An Imperial Proclamation from the Palatium Album in Washingtonia – November III, MMXXVI
“Veni, Vidi, Universum!” – Trumpius Caesar Makes the Entire Cosmos His Personal Business!
Washingtonia, Imperium Americanum. Hear ye, hear ye, mortals, astronauts, Martians, and all other potentially taxable life forms throughout the universe! His Most Tremendous Imperial Majesty, Donaldus Maximus Trumpius Caesar, Emperor of the United States, Conqueror of Bureaucracy, Supreme Commander of Golden Golf Courses, and Self-Appointed Center of the Milky Way, has spoken!
And when Trumpius Caesar speaks, even black holes stop swallowing things long enough to listen.
With a proclamation of truly astronomical modesty, the Emperor announced that outer space belongs to all humanity. Everyone! Absolutely everyone! Even the Democratius, although everyone knows they couldn't properly manage a parking lot on the Moon.
There is, however, one tiny imperial clarification:
The universe belongs to everybody, but America will naturally be in charge of the property management.
I. The Milky Way Becomes the Trumpius Way
"My beloved subjects!" Trumpius Caesar reportedly proclaimed from his magnificent golden throne. "We are going to make outer space GREAT AGAIN! Greater than great! Nobody knows space better than me. I've spoken to extremely intelligent people. Some say the universe is infinite. But believe me, folks, it won't be infinite enough for our success!"
Immediately, the Imperial Department of Extremely Important Maps received orders to redesign the entire galaxy.
The Milky Way would henceforth be known as Via Lactea Trumpiana.
Jupiter, the largest planet in the solar system, would become the world's biggest golf ball.
Saturn, with its magnificent rings, was declared an outstanding location for an interplanetary luxury resort.
Mars, however, required immediate investigation.
"A RED planet!" Trumpius Caesar exclaimed suspiciously. "Very concerning. Possibly communist. We're going to investigate it, and then we're going to turn it into a beautiful Republican orange. A tremendous orange. The best orange in the universe!"
II. Artemis Flies – Caesar Collects the Applause
The Emperor proudly celebrated the achievements of Artemisia Secunda, which had carried astronauts around the Moon in April MMXXVI.
"Our astronauts traveled farther than ever before!" Trumpius declared. "And all of it happened under MY leadership. I wasn't personally aboard the spacecraft, but my leadership was so powerful that even gravity was impressed!"
The next great test flight campaign, Artemisia Tertia, was announced for the following summer.
By MMXXVIII, America would return to the Moon.
And not merely for a quick visit.
The Emperor envisioned a permanent American presence, complete with a golden triumphal arch, an enormous golf course, and a luxury hotel offering spectacular views of Earth.
The proposed Trumpius Lunar Palace & Casino would feature the finest accommodations in the solar system.
The only minor inconvenience?
Room service might take three Earth days.
"Still faster than the Democratius!" the Emperor reportedly observed.
III. Freedom for Everyone – As Long as Caesar Holds the Keys
At the heart of the imperial proclamation stood a revolutionary principle:
Outer space belongs to all humanity!
"Nobody can own the stars!" Trumpius Caesar declared solemnly. "Unless, of course, somebody makes an incredible offer. A really fantastic offer. Then we'll talk. I'm a businessman. A tremendous businessman!"
To protect this universal freedom, the imperial administration proposed a new institution:
The Ministry of Universal Freedom Under American Oversight, affectionately known as MUFAO.
Every human being would be free to explore, develop, and settle outer space, provided all applicable regulations were followed.
For extraterrestrial civilizations, the Empire began preparing an entirely new immigration procedure.
"We don't know who these aliens are!" warned the Emperor. "Some may be very nice aliens. Beautiful aliens. But some could be ILLEGAL ALIENS! We need a space border. A huge, magnificent space border!"
He paused dramatically.
"And Neptune is going to pay for it!"
Imperial astronomers attempted to explain that Neptune was a planet, not a sovereign government.
Trumpius Caesar dismissed their objections.
"That's exactly what Neptune wants you to believe!"
IV. The First Human on Mars Must Obviously Be Named Trumpius
The Emperor displayed particular enthusiasm for humanity's future conquest of the Red Planet.
One day, he promised, an American would become the first human being to set foot upon the crimson sands of Mars.
Imperial scientists recommended selecting a highly trained astronaut.
Trumpius Caesar considered this proposal deeply disappointing.
"Why would I send somebody less famous than me?" he demanded. "Maybe I'll go myself. I have the best feet. Tremendous feet. Nobody has ever had better feet for walking on Mars!"
His advisers cautiously explained that traveling to Mars could take several months.
The Emperor immediately ordered an investigation into whether the journey could be shortened through a particularly powerful executive order.
"Six months? Ridiculous! I'll sign something. We'll make it six days. Maybe six hours. Nobody negotiates with distance better than Trumpius Caesar!"
The Imperial Space Agency quietly added another item to its research agenda:
Can presidential confidence exceed the speed of light?
V. The Universe Becomes American – The Galaxy Gets the Bill
In the grand finale of his historic proclamation, Trumpius Caesar pledged to carry the sacred values of faith, freedom, and American entrepreneurship to the farthest reaches of the cosmos.
Science would flourish.
The space economy would explode.
National security would extend beyond the Moon, Mars, and every suspicious-looking asteroid.
"We will become the richest, strongest, most successful spacefaring nation in HISTORY!" the Emperor proclaimed. "And when we discover intelligent extraterrestrial life, we're going to tell them immediately how incredible we are!"
He then announced that all newly discovered civilizations would receive a complimentary imperial welcome package.
It would contain an American flag, a miniature golden statue of Trumpius Caesar, and a bill for administrative processing.
"Nobody welcomes aliens better than we do!"
Finally, the Emperor rose from his golden throne, seized his magnificent imperial pen, and signed the proclamation.
The senators applauded.
The generals saluted.
The scientists stared nervously through their telescopes.
And somewhere in a distant galaxy, an advanced extraterrestrial civilization intercepted humanity's latest transmission.
After carefully analyzing the Emperor's declaration, its Supreme Council convened an emergency meeting.
The decision was unanimous.
All evidence of intelligent life was to be removed immediately.
Because one thing had become abundantly clear throughout the universe:
Humanity had just declared freedom in outer space – and Donaldus Maximus Trumpius Caesar had already reserved the biggest parking lot.
AVE TRUMPIUS! VENI, VIDI, GALAXIAM VENDIDI!
I came, I saw, I sold the galaxy!
