An Imperial Proclamation from the Imperium Trumpianum – Issued November III, MMXXVI, in the Glorious 251st Year of American Independence.
The Red Plague Threatens the Empire – And Caesar Has Already Ordered a Golden Broom!
ROMA TRUMPIANA, November 3, 2026 – Hear ye, hear ye, free citizens, wealthy patricians, taxpaying plebeians, and suspiciously generous neighbors!
His Most Magnificent Imperial Majesty, Donaldus Trumpius Caesar Maximus, Conqueror of Socialism, Protector of Private Property, Supreme Defender of Billionaires, and Undisputed Champion of Golden Capitalism, has spoken!
From November 1 through November 7, the entire Imperium Trumpianum shall observe the "Hebdomada Contra Communismum" – the Great Anti-Communism Week!
For a terrible danger is sweeping across the Empire. It wears no armor, commands no legions, and doesn't even own a respectable real estate portfolio.
It calls itself socialism!
"A TERRIBLE ideology!" Caesar thundered from his gold-plated balcony. "The communists want to share EVERYTHING! Everything! Even things that belong to ME! Especially things that belong to ME! A disaster. A very communist disaster. Nobody has ever seen anything like it!"
I. The Red Menace Lurks Behind Every Free Government Service!
For more than a century, according to the Imperial Proclamation, communist and socialist ideas have threatened human freedom.
They promise equality, demand solidarity, and could ultimately lead to the horrifying possibility that a poor plebeian might receive the same medical treatment as a senator.
OUTRAGEOUS!
Imperial Treasury Minister Marcus Aurelius Pecunius Maximus issued a grave warning:
"If we allow wealth to be distributed fairly, eventually nobody will know who's rich and who's poor! How are we supposed to decide whom to invite to dinner?"
Particularly dangerous, according to the Imperial Council, are public hospitals, free education, and affordable housing.
"It starts with a free bowl of soup," the minister explained, "and ends with someone asking why the Emperor owns seven golden bathrooms!"
The Senate immediately classified such questions as potential revolutionary activity.
II. Trumpius Caesar Defends Freedom – Especially His Own!
The Republic of Trumpiana, Caesar reminded his subjects, was founded upon three sacred and unshakable pillars:
Freedom! Property! And the inalienable right to make a tremendous amount of money from both!
"Our ancestors fought for FREEDOM!" Caesar proclaimed. "The freedom to become rich! Very rich! Incredibly rich! Nobody has ever been as free as I am. Maybe Abrahamus Lincolnus. But probably not. I have much better buildings!"
Imperial historians were immediately instructed to review all historical records accordingly.
One particularly enthusiastic senator suggested equipping the Statue of Liberty with a gigantic golden credit card.
The proposal passed unanimously.
A second senator suggested replacing her torch with a stock market ticker.
Caesar called the idea "beautiful, tremendous, and potentially tax-deductible."
III. Socialism Is Already at the Gates!
Trumpius Caesar expressed particular alarm over the growing influence of left-wing ideas within his own magnificent Empire.
"They're EVERYWHERE!" he warned. "Universities! Labor unions! Libraries! Some people even want HIGHER TAXES on billionaires! Can you imagine? HIGHER TAXES! On the most successful people! Very unfair. Very nasty!"
To combat this terrifying threat, Caesar ordered the creation of a new elite military force:
Legio Capitalistica Prima – The First Legion of Sacred Profit!
Its soldiers wear golden helmets, march to the rhythm of Wall Street, and swear allegiance before a life-sized statue of the Free Market.
Their battle cry:
"Veni! Vidi! Privatizavi!"
I came! I saw! I privatized!
As its first official mission, the legion will inspect every public park bench in the Empire.
Anyone sitting there without paying could already be exhibiting communist tendencies.
Citizens caught sharing sandwiches will receive an official warning.
Repeat offenders may be required to attend a mandatory seminar on luxury real estate investment.
IV. Victims of Communism Honored with an Exclusive VIP Gala!
The Imperial Proclamation solemnly remembers the millions who suffered persecution, violence, oppression, and death under communist dictatorships.
The Imperial Council agreed that such historical tragedies deserve serious remembrance.
Trumpius Caesar enthusiastically approved.
"We will honor the victims!" he declared. "With the BIGGEST memorial event in history! Nobody has ever organized a more tremendous anti-communist celebration! Believe me!"
A magnificent ceremony has been scheduled at the Palatium Aureum Trumpianum.
Admission to the official memorial service is free.
However, access to the Imperial Reception costs 5,000 aurei.
A commemorative photograph with Caesar costs 10,000 aurei.
A personal handshake costs 25,000 aurei.
And for just 100,000 aurei, guests may purchase the exclusive Platinum Freedom Defender Package, including preferred seating, a golden commemorative coin, and the opportunity to applaud the Emperor from a considerably shorter distance.
When asked whether these prices contradicted the spirit of human solidarity, the Imperial Spokesman replied:
"That's exactly what makes them so wonderfully anti-communist!"
V. The Free Market Is Sacred – As Long As Caesar Wins!
In his proclamation, Trumpius Caesar promised to strengthen free enterprise and protect the Republic from socialist experiments.
The free market, he explained, had made the Empire the wealthiest nation ever to exist.
"We have the BEST markets! The BIGGEST markets! Beautiful markets!" the Emperor proclaimed. "And when our markets lose, we impose TARIFFS! Tremendous tariffs! Because nothing protects a free market better than telling it exactly what things should cost!"
The Imperial Economic Adviser cautiously suggested that extensive government intervention might require some additional economic explanation.
He was immediately appointed Special Commissioner for Socialist Misunderstandings.
His new office is located outside the city walls.
Without electricity.
"An excellent opportunity to experience the benefits of limited government," Caesar explained.
Meanwhile, the Imperial Treasury announced a generous new subsidy program for struggling billionaires.
"These brave entrepreneurs must never be abandoned," declared Marcus Aurelius Pecunius Maximus. "Some of them have already been forced to postpone purchasing their fourth yachts!"
The Senate observed a moment of silence.
VI. The Flame of Liberty Must Never Be Extinguished!
At the conclusion of his address, Trumpius Caesar raised an enormous golden torch above his head.
"WE WILL PRESERVE THE FLAME OF FREEDOM!" he thundered. "It will NEVER go out! NEVER! Unless energy prices get too high. Then we may temporarily shut it down. For economic reasons. Very smart reasons!"
The Senate rose in thunderous applause.
The legions saluted.
Wall Street celebrated.
And the Imperial Treasurer immediately privatized every fire extinguisher in the palace.
The Ministry of Freedom also announced that all citizens would henceforth be required to demonstrate their commitment to liberty by purchasing an officially licensed Imperial Freedom Certificate.
Prices start at 499 aurei.
Freedom itself remains free.
Processing fees apply.
VII. The Supreme Imperial Proclamation!
Finally, Imperator Donaldus Trumpius Caesar Maximus raised his mighty hand and delivered his historic decree:
"By the tremendous authority vested in ME, the greatest Emperor of the greatest Empire in the history of everything, I hereby proclaim November 1 through November 7 the GREAT ANTI-COMMUNISM WEEK!
Let every citizen defend FREEDOM!
Let every entrepreneur increase PROFITS!
Let every billionaire KEEP HIS FORTUNE!
Let every socialist tremble before the magnificent power of CAPITALISM!
And let NOBODY get the ridiculous idea that my golden palaces are somehow unfairly distributed!
They are BEAUTIFUL palaces. Perfect palaces. The most fairly distributed palaces ever built. They're all distributed to ME!"
The Imperial Senate erupted in applause.
Trumpius Caesar then signed the proclamation with the largest golden pen ever manufactured.
The ink was black.
The parchment was gold.
The ceremony was magnificent.
And the bill was, naturally, forwarded to the taxpayers.
For in the Imperium Trumpianum, one eternal law stands above all others:
"Everything for Freedom! Everything for the Market! And if the government absolutely must give something away, let it go to corporations wealthy enough to truly deserve it!"
AVE TRUMPIUS! PECUNIA VINCIT OMNIA!
Hail Trumpius! Money Conquers All!
