A state of maximum emergency has once again descended upon the glorious Empire of Trumpianum!
Not because barbarians are storming the gates, the imperial treasury is evaporating, or the golden paint is peeling off the Emperor's magnificent palace.
No! Something infinitely more dangerous threatens the very foundations of civilization.
The opposition wants to ask questions!
And as every loyal imperial subject knows, asking questions is the first step toward treason.
Fortunately, His Eternal Magnificence, Imperator Donaldus Trumpius Caesar Maximus, Conqueror of Reality, Guardian of the Golden Curtains, and Undefeated Champion of Every Election Ever Held, has a fearless defender.
His name is Justiciarius Toddus Blanchius, Grand Prefect of Imperial Legal Interpretation and Supreme Protector of His Majesty's Delicate Feelings.
On the sacred Sunday morning, Blanchius ascended the television platforms of the Empire to deliver a magnificent lesson in constitutional obedience to the rebellious Democratii.
Chapter I: Whoever Investigates the Emperor Is Clearly Investigating Too Much!
The Democratii had committed an outrageous offense.
They announced that they might investigate government officials, consider impeachments, and even examine private corporations.
Unbelievable!
"This is NOT oversight!" thundered Blanchius, in essence. "This is political retribution!"
Thunderous applause erupted throughout the imperial palace.
At last, someone had explained the fundamental distinction between justice and persecution:
When Trumpius investigates his enemies, it is justice. When his enemies investigate Trumpius, it is a conspiracy against Western civilization.
The imperial legal scholars immediately began drafting a new definition of separation of powers.
The Emperor possesses all the power.
His ministers share his opinions.
And the people are generously permitted to applaud.
Chapter II: The Constitution – Now Available as Protection Against Inconvenient Questions!
Blanchius reached the height of imperial brilliance when he accused the rebellious senators of constitutional ignorance.
He even graciously offered to send a copy of the Constitution to the troublesome representative Robertus Garcius Investigatus.
What extraordinary generosity!
Until now, most citizens of Trumpianum believed the Constitution was being used to stabilize a slightly uneven leg of the Emperor's golden throne.
Blanchius explained that the Department of Justice traditionally represents executive officials during congressional proceedings.
A perfectly legitimate legal function.
Unfortunately, one inexperienced palace scribe made the catastrophic mistake of adding:
"Of course, legal representation doesn't mean those officials are automatically innocent or immune from investigation."
The sentence was immediately removed for reasons of imperial aesthetics.
Trumpius personally ordered every copy of the Constitution to receive a magnificent golden cover.
Inside, according to palace legend, appeared just one sentence:
The Emperor is always right. For further questions, please consult the Emperor.
Chapter III: Students, Donors, and the Terrifying Democratic Threat Machine
With trembling indignation, Blanchius warned of alleged threats by the Democratii against political donors, college students, and private citizens sympathetic to the imperial administration.
The Empire was deeply shaken.
Particularly concerning, he argued, was the possibility that students hoping to work for conservative institutions might face political intimidation.
The Emperor responded with characteristic speed.
He established the Imperial Protection Agency for Politically Correct Future Palace Employees.
Its first official duty was to investigate whether every applicant demonstrated unconditional loyalty to Trumpius.
"We are fighting political intimidation!" declared the agency's chief prefect while questioning a nervous applicant.
"Do you agree that the existence of an opposition party is an unfortunate administrative error?"
The applicant hesitated.
His application was immediately transferred to the Department of Suspicious Facial Expressions.
Chapter IV: The Eternal Winner's Magnificent Déjà Vu
Blanchius then delivered a breathtaking historical analysis.
The Democratii had attempted these investigations before.
They had failed.
And they would fail again.
"Déjà vu!" proclaimed the Grand Justiciarius.
The imperial historian, Historicus Forgettius Maximus, immediately recorded the occasion:
"In the Empire of Trumpianum, history does not repeat itself. It is simply rewritten until Trumpius wins again."
The Emperor was delighted.
He ordered the expression "déjà vu" replaced throughout the Empire with:
"Another Historic and Unprecedented Repetition of the Greatest Trumpius Victory Ever Achieved."
The resulting imperial decree contained forty-seven pages.
Forty-six consisted entirely of praise for Trumpius.
The final page was reserved for additional praise, should the Emperor feel insufficiently appreciated.
Chapter V: Stephanus Millerius – The Man Even Shadows Are Afraid Of
For his magnificent finale, Blanchius praised the future imperial palace organizer, Stephanus Millerius Tenebrosus, the Emperor's prospective Grand Chief of Staff.
Millerius would be phenomenal, he proclaimed.
The criticism surrounding him was merely proof that his opponents were terrified.
An absolutely flawless argument!
Anyone criticizing Millerius must fear him.
Anyone fearing Millerius must recognize his extraordinary abilities.
And anyone remaining silent must obviously be so overwhelmed by his brilliance that speech has become impossible.
Therefore, by the sacred principles of imperial mathematics:
Stephanus Millerius is the greatest Chief of Staff in the history of civilization, regardless of what anyone actually thinks.
The Imperial Academy of Circular Reasoning immediately awarded Blanchius an honorary doctorate.
His dissertation consisted of a single sentence:
"If the Emperor says it's true, the evidence is that the Emperor said it."
The academic committee voted unanimously.
The two professors who abstained were reassigned to counting golden curtain rings.
Grand Finale: In the Empire, Oversight Is Perfectly Legal – Provided Nobody Oversees Anything!
By the end of that glorious Sunday, one historic truth had become absolutely clear.
The opposition may oppose, provided it never investigates.
Congress may exercise oversight, provided it never examines anything.
And the Department of Justice may remain independent, provided it first asks the Emperor what independence means.
Finally, Trumpius Caesar emerged onto his magnificent golden balcony.
He spread his arms, adjusted his imperial laurel wreath, and addressed the trembling masses.
"I LOVE the Constitution! Nobody loves the Constitution more than me! I actually saw it once. Beautiful document. Tremendous document. Very patriotic. Unfortunately, too many questions. We're working on that. Believe me!"
The imperial senators applauded so enthusiastically that three marble columns collapsed.
The official palace announcement described the incident as an overwhelming victory for the separation of powers.
And somewhere deep beneath the Imperial Department of Justice, a forgotten statue of Lady Justice whispered:
"I used to be blind. These days, I'm grateful."
