WASHINGTONIUM — Great crises require great men. Very great crises require Trumpius Caesar. And rising diesel prices apparently require a Treasury Quaestor, an Agricultural Legate, a Transportation Prefect, the tax legions, the Secretary of War, and at least seven federal agencies whose first assignment is determining why they are involved.
Thus proclaimed Donaldus Trumpius Maximus, Defender of the Pump, Tribune of the Truckers, and Pontifex Maximus of Deferred Taxation, his newest imperial decree:
“Emergency Tax Relief on Diesel Fuel!”
Or, as ordinary citizens outside Washingtonium call it:
The red diesel gets out.
Farmers and truckers, the Caesar proclaimed, are essential to the American way of life. Somebody, after all, must grow corn, move cattle, and haul enormous quantities of cheese across the continent while the Imperial Capital debates whether interstate cheese transportation requires a dedicated interagency task force.
The Empire's problem is remarkably simple:
Diesel is expensive.
The solution is equally simple:
Make diesel administratively so complicated that nobody has time to look at the price.
The Imperial High Office of Temporary Diesel Affairs
Trumpius commanded his Quaestor Aerarii, the Imperial Treasurer, to determine within days whether certain diesel taxes could be paid later.
But naturally, no Imperial Treasurer can simply make such a decision.
That would be chaos.
Therefore, Washingtonium first convenes the Imperial Council for Determining the Possible Determinability of a Potential Tax Relief Situation.
The Council appoints a subcommittee.
The subcommittee creates a working group.
The working group requires an administrative office.
The administrative office requires an Acting Deputy Director.
The Acting Deputy Director then requests an opinion from the Office of Diesel Classification and Fuel Color Affairs on whether red-dyed diesel can legally be considered red.
The Office replies:
“Generally, yes.”
Subject, naturally, to official color verification.
That task belongs to the Federal Institute for Chromatic Fuel Questions.
After extensive examination, its experts finally announce:
The diesel appears reddish.
Washingtonium celebrates.
Operation Purple Pump
Now Operation Purple Pump can begin.
But citizens cannot simply start pumping diesel.
This is America, not anarchy.
First, the applicant must complete Form DIE-SEL 27b — Application for Temporary Use of a Chromatically Distinct Petroleum-Based Mobility Medium on Federally Supervised Transportation Surfaces.
It must be accompanied by Attachment 27b-P, “Declaration of Personal Intent to Pump.”
Truckers must additionally certify that their truck is, in fact, a truck.
Farmers must demonstrate that they actually engage in farming.
Acceptable evidence may include farmland, a tractor, or convincingly muddy boots.
The application then proceeds to the Federal Bureau of Highway Fuel Usage Intentions, which determines whether the applicant truly intends to burn the diesel.
If so, the file is forwarded to the Commission for Proper Combustion of Temporarily Tax-Privileged Liquids.
Its processing deadline is:
“Promptly, subject to applicable law and the availability of administrative resources.”
America is saved.
The Secretary of War Takes the Left Pump
The decree becomes especially majestic when the Treasury may, where appropriate, consult the Secretary of War, Bellonius Pentagonus.
Because in the Trumpius Empire, diesel is no longer merely fuel.
Diesel is national security.
Inside the Imperial Situation Room now hangs an enormous map of North America.
Red flags indicate diesel.
Gold flags indicate gas stations personally approved by Trumpius.
Black flags indicate gas stations whose coffee tastes suspiciously European.
A general approaches the Caesar.
“Imperator! A fuel tanker has been spotted in Iowa!”
Trumpius rises.
“Friend or enemy?”
“Agricultural.”
“Send an escort!”
“Military?”
“Taxation!”
Immediately, the Strategic Diesel Reserve Deployment Group for the Western Corn Belt mobilizes.
Three officials, two tax attorneys, and a man carrying a clipboard advance toward the battlefield.
Washingtonium Discovers a Shortage of Coordination
With Treasury, Agriculture, Transportation, the tax legions, the States, and possibly the War Department now involved, Washingtonium discovers another emergency:
There is insufficient coordination of the coordination.
The government therefore establishes the Interdepartmental Coordinating Staff for the Coordination of Agencies Already Coordinating Coordinated Diesel Coordination.
Its first meeting concerns the pronunciation of its acronym.
A subcommittee is formed.
Until that subcommittee reports, the agency is provisionally known as:
“The Diesel Thing.”
The Diesel Thing establishes a Central Coordination Secretariat responsible for coordinating meetings between agencies that coordinate discussions about which additional agencies should be coordinated.
After extensive deliberation, the Secretariat releases its historic first report:
Further coordination is required.
The Historic National Pump Summit
Trumpius responds by ordering a National Diesel Summit.
Governors arrive.
Farmers arrive.
Truckers arrive.
Refiners arrive.
Tax officials arrive.
Transportation regulators arrive.
Several people also arrive whom nobody invited but who have apparently been drinking federal conference coffee since the Reagan administration.
At the center of the hall stands a ceremonial fuel pump.
Nobody may use it.
Its operating permit is pending.
First, the Praefectus Pumpae, Imperial Commissioner for Fuel Dispensing Apparatus Affairs, delivers a keynote address on the historic significance of pumping.
Then comes the representative of the National Commission for Fuel Hose Length Harmonization.
Then lunch.
After lunch, delegates agree to schedule another meeting.
The diesel remains outside in a tanker truck.
Its driver is waiting for Form DIE-SEL 27b.
The Tax May Disappear Behind the Imperial Curtain
Trumpius, however, is not a Caesar satisfied merely with postponing taxes.
The Treasury must also explore whether the deferred taxes might eventually be eliminated entirely.
For this purpose, Washingtonium creates the Imperial Committee for Examining the Possibility of Future Nonpayment of Currently Potentially Deferred Payment Obligations.
Its first task is defining “future.”
Its second is determining whether “not paying” is legally identical to “paying zero.”
The legal subcommittee warns that further analysis is necessary.
The Committee therefore reaches a unanimous conclusion:
Further analysis shall occur.
Trumpius announces the analysis that evening as the greatest tax elimination in the history of taxation.
The Inspectors Inspect the Inspection Inspectors
Naturally, fuel inspections must continue during the relief period.
Treasury therefore needs to determine how inspectors should inspect.
Washingtonium establishes the Federal Office of Fuel Inspection Resource Allocation Oversight.
It does not inspect fuel.
It supervises the allocation of inspectors who inspect fuel.
For quality assurance, the Office for Evaluation of Fuel Inspection Resource Allocation Oversight supervises the Federal Office.
To ensure nobody loses control of the supervision of the allocation of the inspectors who supervise the fuel, both agencies submit reports to the Senate Committee on Administrative Simplicity.
Its chairman proudly announces:
“The structure is much clearer now.”
Nobody dares ask a question.
Farmer Bobbus Finally Approaches the Pump
Meanwhile, Farmer Bobbus Agricolus stands beside his pickup at a Nebraska fuel station.
“Can I pump the red diesel now?”
The attendant consults the Imperial Manual.
“Do you have DIE-SEL 27b?”
“Yes.”
“Attachment P?”
“Yes.”
“Proof of agricultural activity?”
Bobbus points toward an enormous field of corn.
The attendant nods gravely.
“Unfortunately, that's merely circumstantial evidence.”
After several calls to Washingtonium, Bobbus finally receives provisional, conditional, revocable authorization to initiate a fueling procedure.
He lifts the nozzle.
He inserts it into the tank.
The telephone rings.
It is the Federal Office for Provisionally Authorized Fueling Procedures.
One document is missing.
Bobbus must certify that the fueling procedure has actually begun.
“How am I supposed to certify that it began before I'm allowed to begin?”
There is a long silence.
Then the official answers:
“There's a form for that.”
And Who Pays for the Imperial Masterpiece?
At the very end of the decree comes perhaps the finest flourish of imperial administrative poetry:
The Department of Agriculture shall bear the cost of publishing the order.
Of course.
After Treasury postpones taxes, the tax legions reconsider fuel enforcement, Transportation monitors truckers, Agriculture organizes distribution, State governments are mobilized, Bellonius Pentagonus strategically observes a fuel nozzle, and Washingtonium creates enough committees to personally greet every gallon of diesel entering the Republic, somebody has to pick up the bill.
Who better than the department responsible for farmers?
And thus ends the Great Diesel Offensive of Trumpius Caesar.
The diesel has not been reinvented.
The fuel pump has not become larger.
The truck still has the same engine.
But between the truck and the pump now stand twelve agencies, four committees, seven subcommittees, three working groups, one Secretary of War, and a federal official holding a form whose reverse side must also be signed.
Trumpius Caesar surveys his Empire with satisfaction.
“WE HAVE DEFEATED BUREAUCRACY!”
Behind him, a brass band begins playing as the new Imperial Federal Bureau for Documentation of Successful Bureaucracy Reduction officially opens its doors.
It employs eight thousand officials.
And Farmer Bobbus?
He is still standing beside the pump.
His application has finally been approved.
Unfortunately, the form has expired.
