In the Great Marble Palace of Washingtonia, history was honored once again.
Not ordinary history, of course.
Imperial history.
The kind of history that begins with a respected statesman, proceeds through war, peace, highways, national service and presidential leadership — and somehow ends with Trumpius Caesar explaining that he is currently doing all of it better.
The occasion was the birthday of the venerable Dwightus Davidus Eisenhowerus, known among the common citizens of the Republic as “Ike.”
General.
President.
Statesman.
Supreme commander.
And, perhaps most impressively by modern imperial standards, a man capable of being praised without immediately declaring himself the greatest person who had ever lived.
Trumpius Caesar issued a grand proclamation honoring Eisenhowerus as one of the giants of American history.
The Imperial Court reportedly approved this assessment immediately, particularly after confirming that praising Eisenhower would eventually create another convenient opportunity to praise Trumpius.
From West Pointus to the Great War
Eisenhowerus was born in the province of Texania and raised in Kansasia, long before presidential birthdays required social media graphics, branded merchandise and several hours of televised commentary.
He entered West Pointus and began a military career that would eventually place him at the center of the greatest conflict of his age.
During the Second Great World War, Eisenhowerus commanded Allied forces and helped orchestrate the historic invasion of Normandy.
It was an operation of enormous complexity involving ships, aircraft, soldiers, logistics, intelligence and coordination across multiple nations.
Trumpius Caesar reportedly studied the achievement carefully before concluding that it was, indeed, “very big.”
Possibly even historically big.
The Imperial Historians were then instructed to verify whether anyone had previously described anything as “the biggest ever.”
After the war, Eisenhowerus became the first Supreme Allied Commander of NATO in Europe and eventually marched into American politics.
Not literally.
Although as a general, he probably could have arranged it efficiently.
In the presidential election, the American people decided that they liked Ike.
Then, several years later, they decided they still liked Ike.
This remains one of the strangest episodes in political history: a politician successfully winning public affection without insisting every morning that his poll numbers were the greatest numbers ever recorded by civilization.
Highways, Rockets and Other Suspiciously Useful Things
President Eisenhowerus governed during an era remembered for economic expansion, national confidence and significant public projects.
He helped bring the Korean War toward an armistice.
He signed major civil rights legislation.
He created NASA.
He supported small businesses.
And he championed the Interstate Highway System.
Yes, highways.
Thousands upon thousands of miles of road connecting communities, commerce and American families.
A breathtaking infrastructure project from an ancient age when governments occasionally built things before holding the press conference.
The highway network transformed the country and became one of Eisenhower's most enduring domestic achievements.
Naturally, Trumpius Caesar respects infrastructure.
Especially infrastructure that can be described using words such as monumental, historic, tremendous and possibly the greatest infrastructure anybody has ever seen.
Eisenhowerus also believed strongly in military strength.
He warned that history does not long entrust freedom to the weak or timid.
This statement was immediately welcomed at the Court of Trumpius, where it was reportedly carved into imaginary marble beneath an additional inscription:
“See also: Trumpius Caesar.”
Peace Through Strength — Preferably Enormous Strength
Trumpius Caesar declared that his administration was carrying forward the legacy of Eisenhowerus.
Strong military.
Strong economy.
Strong borders.
Strong communities.
Strong America.
Strong strength.
Extremely powerful strength.
The kind of strength that requires additional adjectives simply to contain it.
According to the imperial proclamation, the realm is rebuilding its military, restoring order, securing the borders and unleashing an economic golden age.
This golden age is apparently so golden that ordinary gold is now considering retirement.
Trumpius further proclaimed that lasting peace can only come through unquestioned American power.
This is an idea Eisenhowerus himself would certainly have recognized.
Although Ike might have delivered it with fewer capital letters.
The Imperial Administration also linked Eisenhower's presidency with its own promises of prosperity, confidence and American exceptionalism.
Historians may someday debate whether the comparison is entirely appropriate.
The Court of Trumpius has already completed its investigation.
The verdict:
Absolutely.
Probably.
Very strongly.
Happy Birthday, Imperator Ike
At the conclusion of the proclamation, Trumpius Caesar honored Eisenhowerus as a patriot, hero and American icon whose devotion to country continues to inspire future generations.
It was a dignified tribute.
For several paragraphs, history itself nearly remained the central subject.
Then came the new golden age.
The military renaissance.
The economic triumph.
The restored confidence.
The glorious national spirit.
And suddenly the birthday celebration for Eisenhowerus had performed one of the most important ceremonial functions in the Empire of Trumpius:
It had become another introduction to Trumpius Caesar.
Still, the old general deserves his salute.
He commanded armies.
He served his country.
He built alliances.
He expanded highways.
He helped lead America through a dangerous age.
And more than seven decades later, his legacy remains strong enough that even Trumpius Caesar is willing to share the spotlight with him.
For a few paragraphs.
Happy Birthday, Imperator Ike.
May your legacy endure for generations.
Or at least until someone at the Imperial Palace discovers that Eisenhower's birthday could be renamed National Trumpius Appreciation Day Featuring Eisenhower.
