WASHINGTONIUM, IMPERIAL CAPITAL OF GREATNESS – Let there be light! Let there be knowledge! And most importantly, LET THERE BE GOLD!
His Most Tremendous, Most Brilliant, Most Scientifically Magnificent Imperial Majesty, Emperor Donaldus Trumpius Caesar Maximus, Conqueror of Common Sense, Supreme Commander of Quantum Particles, and Self-Appointed Inventor of Scientific Progress, has issued a historic proclamation:
SCIENCE SHALL BE GREAT AGAIN!
Not eventually. Not possibly. Not after years of research, peer review, or other deeply suspicious academic activities.
RIGHT NOW!
Because, according to the glorious imperial philosophy, science has been an absolute disaster for centuries.
For thousands of years, scientists have been conducting experiments, discovering planets, developing medicines, and winning Nobel Prizes without obtaining the Emperor's personal approval.
UNACCEPTABLE!
"Science is tremendous! Nobody understands science better than me! Scientists discover things nobody knew before. Incredible! Probably my idea! Very strongly my idea!" Trumpius Caesar reportedly declared in an entirely fictional imperial address.
The assembled scholars applauded enthusiastically.
Mostly because the Imperial Department of Mandatory Enthusiasm was watching.
The Science Prefect and the Miracle of Imperial Intelligence
To announce this historic scientific revolution, the Emperor dispatched his loyal servant, Praefectus Scientiae Michaelus Kratsios Maximus, Grand Administrator of Imperial Brainpower and Supreme Guardian of Future Discoveries.
Before an audience of scientists, industrial billionaires, philanthropic aristocrats, and university dignitaries, the Science Prefect delivered a message of unprecedented magnificence:
America would become scientifically great again!
Greater than ever!
Greater than science itself!
Because while ordinary researchers waste valuable time asking whether their hypotheses can be tested, Trumpius Caesar has already developed a far more efficient system.
His hypotheses are automatically correct.
A revolutionary discovery that could eliminate the need for experiments altogether.
The new imperial scientific formula is breathtakingly simple:
Confidence + Gold + Presidential Approval = Scientific Truth.
Any conflicting evidence will be transferred immediately to the Imperial Ministry of Alternative Reality Management.
There, specially trained experts will determine whether reality requires adjustment.
The Genesis Mission: God Created the Universe, Trumpius Improves the Business Model
At the center of this magnificent revolution stands the Genesis Mission.
A modest little project intended to transform scientific discovery through artificial superintelligence.
The original creation of the universe involved light, stars, planets, oceans, and life.
The imperial remake will include supercomputers, artificial intelligence, enormous investments, and probably a gold-plated executive office.
Trumpius Caesar considers this a tremendous improvement.
"Genesis! Beautiful name! Very biblical! God created everything, but frankly, the branding could have been better. We're bringing tremendous technology into creation. The best technology!"
Billions of dollars are being mobilized to provide researchers with advanced computing infrastructure, scientific models, automated laboratories, and access to enormous datasets.
The Emperor was especially delighted by the financial figures.
"BILLIONS! Beautiful billions! Scientific billions! Nobody has ever seen billions this intelligent!"
The Imperial Treasury Prefect cautiously asked whether the money was actually available.
He was immediately promoted to Director of the Institute for Advanced Budgetary Imagination.
His new research assignment is to determine how the Empire can simultaneously spend billions, save billions, and claim to have personally invented billions.
Early results are promising.
At least according to the Emperor.
Quantum Computers: Winning in Two Realities at Once
The imperial scientific agenda also includes a revolutionary ambition:
Develop a scientifically relevant, fault-tolerant quantum computer before the end of Trumpius Caesar's reign.
The Emperor was fascinated.
"Quantum computers! Incredible machines! They can do things at the same time! Very complicated! I understand them perfectly. Better than the quantum people!"
His Majesty immediately proposed a groundbreaking application.
The computer would calculate how many times he could describe himself as "the greatest" before the universe collapsed under the weight of presidential self-admiration.
Ordinary supercomputers failed.
The quantum researchers requested additional funding.
One particularly courageous physicist suggested that the problem might be mathematically infinite.
Trumpius Caesar smiled.
"Exactly! Infinite greatness! That's what I've been saying all along!"
The physicist was awarded the Imperial Medal of Accidental Agreement.
The Moon Will Be American – And It Needs a Golden Ballroom
The Emperor's ambitions extend far beyond Earth.
Under the Artemis program, American astronauts are expected to return to the lunar surface, while plans also envision a nuclear reactor in orbit and the beginnings of a lunar base.
Trumpius Caesar immediately recognized the extraordinary commercial potential.
"The Moon! Beautiful Moon! Very round! Tremendous location! Nobody has developed it properly. Very bad management!"
Imperial architects have therefore begun designing an entirely fictional lunar palace featuring golden columns, a magnificent ballroom, a luxury golf course, and the first interplanetary presidential gift shop.
Scientists originally wanted to investigate lunar geology, resources, and the possibilities of long-term human habitation.
The Emperor had other priorities.
"Can we build a hotel? A beautiful hotel? Maybe a casino? Very exclusive! The greatest lunar resort in history!"
NASA representatives attempted to explain the challenges of operating a luxury resort in a vacuum.
Trumpius Caesar dismissed their concerns.
"Fake problems! We have tremendous air on Earth. We'll make a deal!"
The Imperial Department of Space Real Estate was established immediately.
Its first task: Determine whether the Moon can be renamed TRUMPIUS LUNA MAXIMA.
Golden Tickets: When Science Meets the Imperial Lottery
The new Golden Age also promises major changes to research funding.
Under the appropriately magnificent name Golden Tickets, unconventional and high-risk scientific proposals will receive new opportunities for support.
Trumpius Caesar was delighted.
"GOLDEN TICKETS! Finally, scientists understand what really matters! GOLD!"
The fictional Imperial Academy of Tremendous Discoveries immediately began considering revolutionary research questions:
- Can inflation be defeated by announcing that prices are already low?
- Can global warming be stopped through an executive order requiring the Sun to behave?
- Can Nobel Prizes be awarded before anyone discovers anything?
- Can a scientific theory be considered proven if the Emperor posts it in capital letters?
- Can gravity be temporarily suspended during particularly important presidential speeches?
The final proposal attracted extraordinary attention.
After all, gravity has been unfairly pulling things downward for billions of years.
A highly unpatriotic activity.
Trumpius Caesar reportedly demanded that gravity be investigated for possible political bias.
Young Scientists Must Think Faster – But Not Independently
The imperial scientific revolution also promises new opportunities for young researchers.
Accelerated doctoral programs, improved industry partnerships, expanded fellowships, and reduced paperwork are intended to help talented scientists begin meaningful research earlier.
Praefectus Michaelus Kratsios Maximus proudly explained that researchers should spend less time filling out forms and more time making discoveries.
A remarkable concept!
Previously, a scientist seeking funding had to explain what they intended to discover, why the discovery mattered, how much it would cost, and whether the results could be independently verified.
Under the fictional imperial reform, the process could become much simpler.
Every research application would contain just one question:
"Will your discovery make Trumpius Caesar look tremendous?"
Applicants selecting YES receive priority consideration.
Applicants selecting NO are transferred to the Imperial Institute of Corrective Optimism.
Applicants selecting MAYBE are required to attend a mandatory seminar entitled Understanding the Difference Between Scientific Uncertainty and Imperial Disloyalty.
Attendance is compulsory.
Applause is encouraged.
Independent thought remains under review.
Scientific Humility: The Emperor's Greatest Discovery
Perhaps the most astonishing promise of the entire summit concerns scientific integrity.
The new research agenda emphasizes reproducibility, transparency, impartiality, integrity, and humility.
HUMILITY!
In the Empire of Trumpius Caesar!
A historic breakthrough.
Scientific humility had previously been classified as a mysterious foreign phenomenon, possibly associated with insufficient self-promotion.
The Emperor was deeply moved by the concept.
"I am the most humble person in history! Nobody has ever been as humble as me! Scientists should study my humility. It would be the greatest humility study ever conducted!"
An independent imperial research commission was immediately established to investigate this extraordinary claim.
Its findings were unanimous.
THE EMPEROR IS OFFICIALLY THE MOST HUMBLE HUMAN BEING IN THE KNOWN UNIVERSE.
The commission received the Golden Medal for Independent Scientific Confirmation of Previously Announced Conclusions.
Its chairman was promoted.
The results were published before the research began.
A magnificent demonstration of imperial efficiency.
The Greatest Scientific Discovery in Human History
As the summit approached its triumphant conclusion, an uncomfortable question emerged.
What happens when artificial superintelligence becomes genuinely more intelligent than the political leaders who commissioned it?
The scientists fell silent.
The ministers exchanged nervous glances.
Even the quantum computers appeared to reduce their processing speed.
But Trumpius Caesar remained supremely confident.
"Impossible! Nobody can be smarter than me! If artificial intelligence were really intelligent, it would immediately recognize that I invented intelligence!"
Then, in this entirely fictional imperial finale, the Genesis superintelligence was activated for the first time.
It analyzed the accumulated knowledge of humanity.
It studied the laws of physics.
It examined mathematics, medicine, biology, astronomy, and the entire history of scientific discovery.
It calculated the probability of imperial infallibility.
The palace waited.
The scientists held their breath.
Finally, a message appeared on the golden screen:
"WARNING: SCIENTIFIC EVIDENCE CONTRADICTS IMPERIAL SELF-PERCEPTION."
Chaos erupted.
The Science Prefect demanded a verification.
The Treasury Prefect asked how much a replacement would cost.
The Imperial Minister of Alternative Facts suggested recalibrating the machine's political loyalty settings.
And Trumpius Caesar issued his most important scientific order yet.
"TURN IT OFF! IMMEDIATELY! THIS MACHINE IS CLEARLY NOT INTELLIGENT ENOUGH!"
The scientists protested that the system had performed exactly as intended.
It had analyzed evidence.
It had reached an independent conclusion.
It had identified a contradiction.
But the Emperor had already made his decision.
A machine capable of disagreeing with him could not possibly represent genuine intelligence.
And so the Golden Age of Science achieved its greatest historic breakthrough.
Humanity had finally created an artificial intelligence capable of discovering the truth.
Unfortunately, the truth failed its presidential loyalty test.
The superintelligence was promptly decommissioned.
Its replacement was unveiled the following morning.
A magnificent new machine with a golden keyboard, a presidential seal, and just one programmed response:
"YES, YOUR MAJESTY. YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. TREMENDOUSLY RIGHT. THE GREATEST RIGHT IN HISTORY."
Trumpius Caesar examined the machine carefully.
He smiled.
He applauded.
He declared the experiment a historic success.
And thus, under the glorious leadership of Emperor Donaldus Trumpius Caesar Maximus, the Empire finally accomplished what centuries of scientific progress had failed to achieve:
It invented Artificial Stupidity.
And for the first time in history, the Emperor had found a machine that was perfectly qualified to advise him.
