A miracle has occurred in the glorious Imperium Americanum!
Factories are rising! Steel furnaces are roaring! Nuclear reactors are awaiting their imperial blessings! And billions of golden dollars are marching across the Empire in such enormous numbers that the Imperial Treasury has officially requested calculators equipped with oxygen masks.
His Most Magnificent Majesty, Imperator Donaldus Trumpius Caesar Maximus, Conqueror of Unemployment, Supreme Protector of Steel Beams, and Self-Appointed Grand Distributor of American Paychecks, has delivered another historic proclamation:
AMERICA SHALL MANUFACTURE AGAIN!
"We're going to build everything here! Power everything here! Pay everybody here! Nobody has ever done so much HERE as I have! Even the word HERE has become much greater under my leadership! Tremendous word! Beautiful word! Possibly the greatest word in the English language!"
The Imperial Court erupted in thunderous applause.
Several economic advisers immediately fainted from excessive greatness.
Iowa Gets Steel — And Caesar Gets a Monument Made of Blast Furnaces
The glorious province of Iowanicum shall soon witness an industrial miracle of truly imperial proportions.
The mighty steel guild Mesabi Metallicus has pledged fifteen billion golden dollars toward constructing what is proclaimed to become the largest steel complex ever built upon American soil.
Thousands of jobs! Mountains of steel! Economic prosperity of almost mythological proportions!
Trumpius Caesar was overwhelmed by his own brilliance.
"This isn't ordinary steel! This is AMERICAN STEEL! The strongest steel! The most beautiful steel! Steel so incredibly strong that even our enemies will want to build walls with it!"
According to the Imperial Ministry of Tremendous Economic Achievements, the new complex will transform American iron ore into magnificent steel, supported by the Emperor's glorious tariffs.
Foreign steel producers are reportedly so terrified that American iron ore has begun jumping out of the ground voluntarily.
An imperial adviser proposed requiring every steel beam to swear an oath of loyalty to Trumpius Caesar before leaving the factory.
The Emperor approved immediately.
On one condition.
The steel beams must applaud.
Admiral Andurilius Builds Ships — Because Imperial Greatness Must Also Float
In the coastal province of Marylandium, the mighty defense guild Andurilius Armamentarius has announced the construction of Arsenal Secundus, a colossal new shipbuilding complex.
Billions in private investment! Billions in naval support! Thousands of jobs!
The facility shall manufacture critical components for the Empire's fearsome Virginia-class underwater warships.
Trumpius Caesar could barely contain his excitement.
"We're building ships! HUGE ships! Beautiful ships! Some of them will even travel UNDERWATER! Nobody knew ships could do that until I started talking about it!"
An admiral cautiously explained that submarines had existed for quite some time.
He was immediately reassigned as Imperial Commissioner for Unnecessary Historical Information.
The Emperor then demanded that every submarine be equipped with a golden ceremonial balcony.
When naval engineers explained that balconies were impractical underwater, Trumpius Caesar responded:
"That's why nobody has ever built submarines as beautifully as I will!"
South Korea Sends Billions — Trumpius Orders the Future Delivered Immediately
The Emperor's next triumph arrived from the distant kingdom of Koreanicum Australis.
Its wealthy industrial houses have proposed an investment package worth up to two hundred billion golden dollars.
Enormous nuclear power plants! A gigantic Alaskan natural gas pipeline! A monumental gas-powered facility in Texanicum!
Trumpius Caesar unveiled the proposals before a magnificent golden map of the world.
"The Koreans are bringing us ENERGY! So much energy! We're going to have so much electricity that even our electricity bills will glow in the dark!"
The Imperial Energy Council immediately suggested naming the proposed nuclear reactors after the Empire's greatest historical figures.
After extensive consultation, the first four names were approved:
Donaldus I, Donaldus II, Donaldus III, and Donaldus IV.
The remaining reactors shall honor other legendary personalities.
Unfortunately, the naming ceremony has been delayed because Trumpius Caesar insists on portraying all of them personally.
Vancius Junior Discovers Alaska — And Immediately Orders a Giant Extension Cord
While the Emperor reorganized the global economy, his loyal Vice Emperor J. D. Vancius Junior was permitted to announce a historic achievement of his own.
A major electrical transmission project shall strengthen the energy infrastructure of Alaskania.
The Imperial Department of Energy will contribute millions toward connecting distant communities and vital economic corridors.
Vancius proudly proclaimed that electricity would travel across the northern wilderness like a victorious Roman legion.
Trumpius Caesar appeared astonished.
"Alaska has electricity? Fantastic! Then we'll send them MORE electricity! Nobody has ever electrified electricity as successfully as my administration!"
To celebrate, the Emperor commissioned a magnificent golden light switch.
Unfortunately, the switch was connected to absolutely nothing.
The Golden Palace nevertheless described the ceremony as a revolutionary breakthrough in wireless symbolic infrastructure.
An official statement declared:
"The Emperor has successfully turned on the future!"
The lights remained off.
Patriotic Syringes: American Greatness Now Comes With a Needle
The Empire's medical industry has also received a spectacular imperial blessing.
The distinguished medical manufacturing guild Bectonus Dickinsonius announced a massive investment partnership to expand American production.
Its grandest promise?
Every needle it sells in America shall be manufactured domestically using American-made steel.
Trumpius Caesar was deeply moved.
"AMERICAN NEEDLES! One hundred percent American! No more foreign needles sneaking into our hospitals and injecting our wonderful citizens with foreign ideas!"
The Imperial Ministry of Health immediately began studying whether every syringe should play the national anthem before administering an injection.
A physician warned that this could dramatically increase treatment times.
The Emperor rejected the criticism.
"A patriotic syringe works at least a thousand percent better! Very smart people told me that. People in white coats! Some of them were even doctors!"
The Imperial Medical Council also considered stamping the Emperor's portrait onto every needle.
Engineers objected that the surface area was insufficient.
Trumpius Caesar suggested making the needles bigger.
AstraZenecius Discovers the Golden Prescription
The pharmaceutical giant AstraZenecius Medicinalis has likewise announced a billion-dollar investment in the prosperous province of Massachusettsium.
New research facilities! Expanded manufacturing! More skilled American workers!
Another glorious achievement for the Emperor's economic revolution.
Trumpius Caesar declared that his policies had not merely revitalized American industry.
They had practically invented modern medicine.
"Before me, we had diseases! Now we have INVESTMENTS! Investments are the greatest medicine! Especially when my name is attached!"
Imperial medical advisers carefully explained that pharmaceutical investment does not automatically eliminate disease.
The Emperor immediately ordered an investigation into why his advisers kept spreading negative information.
"Very disappointing people! Extremely negative! We're investing billions in medicine, and they're still talking about illnesses!"
The Imperial Palace subsequently announced the creation of a new department:
The Ministry of Making Diseases Look Bad.
Its first official achievement was the successful removal of the word problem from all government health reports.
The diseases themselves remained unimpressed.
The Imperial Economic Miracle: When Billions Applaud, Accounting Becomes Optional
At last, the Imperial Ministers assembled inside the Golden Palace to present the Emperor with a comprehensive summary of his achievements.
Steel mills!
Shipyards!
Nuclear reactors!
Natural gas pipelines!
Electrical transmission lines!
Patriotic needles!
Pharmaceutical laboratories!
Billions everywhere! Jobs everywhere! Promises everywhere!
Every corner of the Empire seemed illuminated by the golden brilliance of Trumpius Caesar's economic genius.
The Imperial Ministry of Propaganda announced that no ruler in recorded history had ever produced so much prosperity in so many press releases.
A particularly courageous treasury official finally raised his hand.
"Your Majesty, may I ask when these announced projects will actually be completed? And how many of the promised jobs already exist?"
Silence descended upon the throne room.
The Emperor slowly rose from his magnificent golden chair.
"COMPLETED? Jobs already existing? What ridiculous questions! We've announced BILLIONS! Historic billions! The biggest billions anyone has ever seen!"
The official attempted to explain that an investment announcement was not the same thing as a completed factory.
Trumpius Caesar stared at him in disbelief.
Then, with the majestic confidence of a man who had never allowed accounting principles to interfere with a victory speech, he signed a new imperial decree.
Henceforth, every announced investment in the Imperium Americanum shall be officially classified as a completed economic miracle the moment the Emperor speaks about it.
Furthermore, every announced billion shall automatically count as a personal achievement of Trumpius Caesar.
The ministers cheered.
The generals saluted.
The Imperial Press published a special victory edition.
Only the Imperial Treasurer remained strangely silent.
He had just discovered that the enormous fortunes celebrated throughout the Empire existed primarily on paper.
Trumpius Caesar smiled triumphantly.
"PERFECT! Then we'll print MORE PAPER! And suddenly we'll have EVEN MORE BILLIONS!"
The Court exploded in applause.
The Imperial Treasury immediately ordered additional printing presses.
And thus began the greatest economic revolution in the history of the Imperium Americanum.
For the first time in human civilization, an Emperor had discovered how to build an entire industrial superpower without waiting for the factories to exist.
All he needed was a golden pen, a magnificent announcement, and a sufficiently enthusiastic audience.
Ave Trumpius Caesar!
The factories may still be under construction — but the victory parade has already been completed!
