WASHINGTONIUM, IMPERIUM AMERICANUM. There are certain things that Imperator Donaldus Magnus Trumpius Caesar simply will not tolerate: weak borders, terrible deals, disappointing television ratings — and, apparently, foreign transformers quietly sitting in American substations while possibly plotting to turn off Cleveland.
With the mighty Executive Order 14420, a document of such imperial density that it could probably stabilize a medium-sized power plant by itself, Trumpius Caesar has declared a national emergency over the security of America’s bulk-power system.
The message from the Golden Electrical Throne is unmistakable:
America shall have electricity.
America shall have reliable electricity.
And above all, America shall not wake up one morning to discover that a suspicious foreign transformer has remotely decided that Ohio no longer requires refrigerators.
Welcome to the new age of Make Transformers American Again.
The Empire Discovers the Strategic Transformer
For decades, transformers were regarded as large, ugly, extremely heavy boxes that lived behind fences and made ominous humming noises.
Those innocent days are over.
Under Trumpius Caesar, the transformer has been promoted.
It is now a strategic object of imperial concern.
Why?
Because the United States increasingly depends on enormous quantities of electricity to power defense facilities, factories, hospitals, data centers, artificial intelligence systems, emergency services and the sacred American institution known as air conditioning.
Modern America needs power.
Lots of power.
Beautiful power.
Possibly the most powerful power anyone has ever powered.
And as advanced manufacturing, artificial intelligence, military production and massive data centers expand, Trumpius Caesar sees one terrifying possibility:
What if critical electrical equipment contains hidden vulnerabilities?
Perhaps a remote-access function.
Perhaps mysterious firmware.
Perhaps a digital backdoor.
Perhaps somewhere deep inside a transformer there is a tiny button labeled:
“PRESS HERE TO ANNOY AMERICA.”
Unacceptable.
Totally unacceptable.
Foreign Transformers Are Now Extremely Suspicious
The imperial order warns that foreign-produced power equipment could potentially contain vulnerabilities allowing sabotage, unauthorized access, remote manipulation or disruptions to America’s supply chain.
Thus begins the most important transformation in electrical history:
The transformer is no longer merely electrical equipment.
It is now a multi-ton potential foreign agent filled with copper.
Every suspicious transformer must therefore answer important questions.
Who manufactured you?
Who controls your firmware?
Who maintains your software?
Why do you have remote access?
And why exactly were you humming in Mandarin at three o’clock this morning?
Trumpius Caesar wants answers.
Preferably answers manufactured in America.
Enter Energius Maximus, Guardian of the Sacred Grid
The central hero of this electric crusade will be the Secretary of Energy, now known throughout the Trumpian Empire as Secretarius Energius Maximus.
Energius Maximus receives enormous authority.
Working alongside a magnificent council of imperial guardians, he may determine whether foreign power equipment presents an unacceptable risk to the United States.
Joining him are such legendary officials as:
Bellator Pentagonicus, guardian of war and extremely serious briefing folders;
Commercius Negotiator, master of tariffs, trade and asking why the factory is not located in Michigan;
Homelandicus Securitatis, defender of the Homeland against suspicious cables;
and Intelligentius Maximus, the mysterious keeper of intelligence reports that everyone discusses but nobody is allowed to read.
Together, this mighty electrical senate may decide that certain equipment poses a danger because of sabotage risks, malicious remote access, supply disruptions or threats to critical infrastructure.
In ordinary English:
If the government thinks your transformer might betray America, your transformer is having a very bad day.
Electrical Quarantine Has Arrived
The order does not merely address future purchases.
Existing foreign equipment may also come under inspection.
If Energius Maximus determines that installed equipment presents an unacceptable risk, the government may require operators to:
identify it,
monitor it,
isolate it,
secure it,
disconnect it,
replace it,
or remove it entirely.
The United States has therefore effectively created an electrical witness protection program.
A suspicious transformer could be standing peacefully in Texas on Monday and, by Friday, find itself disconnected, fenced off and awaiting replacement by a far more patriotic transformer from Pennsylvania.
Fortunately, the Caesar’s order does contain an important piece of common sense.
Officials must consider reliability and safety before disconnecting critical equipment.
Because even Trumpius Caesar understands the slight inconvenience involved in protecting America from a blackout by deliberately causing one.
69,000 Volts of Freedom
The executive order carefully defines what counts as part of the bulk-power system.
The magic threshold is generally 69 kilovolts and above.
That is significantly more electricity than exists in the average household outlet and approximately the voltage generated whenever Trumpius Caesar enters a room containing cameras.
The order covers an impressive empire of electrical machinery:
transformers,
generators,
turbines,
battery storage systems,
inverters,
high-voltage circuit breakers,
voltage regulators,
protective relays,
industrial control systems,
programmable logic controllers,
remote terminal units,
backup power systems,
and numerous other devices that ordinary citizens wisely refuse to touch.
Software counts.
Firmware counts.
Remote-access systems count.
Maintenance systems count.
Supply-chain dependencies count.
Essentially, if the equipment can affect the giant American electrical machine and somebody somewhere can log into it, Energius Maximus would like to know who that somebody is.
Operation Make Transformers American Again
But the imperial strategy goes far beyond cybersecurity.
Trumpius Caesar also wants more energy infrastructure made in the United States.
Within 180 days, Energius Maximus must recommend changes to federal purchasing rules so that national-security risks receive greater consideration and American-made infrastructure receives greater priority.
Thus the traditional federal procurement questions:
“What does it cost?”
“When can it be delivered?”
“Does it meet the specification?”
will soon be joined by the most important question of all:
“Why wasn’t this thing built in Ohio?”
The new Trumpian procurement philosophy can therefore be summarized elegantly:
Buy American. Build American. Transform American.
Should an American transformer arrive twice as large, painted with an eagle and delivered while a brass band performs “The Star-Spangled Banner,” this will presumably count as enhanced cybersecurity.
The Imperial List of Approved Electrical Citizens
The order also allows Energius Maximus to establish lists of pre-qualified equipment and vendors.
This creates exciting new marketing possibilities.
Manufacturers may someday proudly advertise:
“Approved by the Imperial Department of Extremely Safe Electricity.”
Being listed could become the electrical equivalent of receiving a golden seal from Caesar himself.
Not being listed could produce a less pleasant experience involving forms, background checks, firmware examinations, supply-chain investigations and seventeen officials asking why your inverter keeps connecting to an overseas server.
Trumpius Caesar does not merely want transformers.
He wants loyal transformers.
Transformers that wake up every morning ready to transmit 500 megavolt-amperes of freedom.
No Transformer Smuggling
The order also explicitly prohibits attempts to evade or avoid its requirements.
Conspiracies are prohibited too.
This is important.
America will not tolerate international transformer intrigue.
No secret rerouting.
No mysterious intermediaries.
No suspicious paperwork.
No foreign transformer arriving at customs wearing sunglasses, a fake mustache and a label saying:
“DEFINITELY AN AMERICAN TOASTER.”
Energius Maximus will notice.
Probably.
America Finally Notices the Supply Chain
Behind all the magnificent imperial theater lies a serious strategic reality.
America’s electricity demand is rising rapidly.
Artificial intelligence data centers consume enormous amounts of power.
Advanced manufacturing requires enormous amounts of power.
Defense production requires power.
New factories require power.
Battery systems require power.
The modern economy increasingly depends not merely on generating electricity but on obtaining the specialized equipment needed to move, regulate and protect it.
And many of those components depend on international supply chains.
Trumpius Caesar has therefore arrived at one of the great discoveries of twenty-first-century industrial policy:
It is difficult to control critical infrastructure when somebody else manufactures the critical parts.
Thus, cybersecurity, industrial policy, national security and Trumpian economic nationalism have merged into one enormous humming machine.
The Caesar at the Great American Circuit Breaker
And so we arrive at the majestic final scene.
Donaldus Magnus Trumpius Caesar stands before the Great Imperial Switchboard of America.
In one hand:
Executive Order 14420.
In the other:
a golden screwdriver.
Behind him stand Energius Maximus, Bellator Pentagonicus, Homelandicus Securitatis and Intelligentius Maximus.
Before him:
thousands of transformers.
Trumpius approaches the first one.
He studies it carefully.
“Who made you?”
The transformer remains silent.
Trumpius narrows his eyes.
“Where is your firmware from?”
The transformer hums.
The Caesar points dramatically.
“Very suspicious transformer.”
Somewhere in the American Midwest, construction begins immediately on a new factory.
Its mission:
Produce enormous transformers.
American steel.
American copper.
American software.
American firmware.
No mysterious remote access.
No hidden digital doors.
And preferably a giant label on the side:
MADE IN USA — NO BACKDOORS. ONLY VERY BEAUTIFUL FRONT DOORS.
