An Imperial Proclamation from the White Palatium — October 7, 2026
A magnificent new era has dawned upon the glorious Imperium Americanum. An era of unlimited energy, majestic oil wells, and coal-fired power plants so overwhelmed by patriotic enthusiasm that they practically burn themselves.
Imperator Donaldus Trumpius Caesar Maximus, Conqueror of Windmills, Illuminator of Electrical Outlets, Supreme Defender of the Sacred Combustion Engine, and Personal Supervisor of Every Electron in the Known Universe, has officially proclaimed October the “Mensis Dominatus Energeticus” — Month of Imperial Energy Domination!
“Nobody has ever dominated energy like me!” Trumpius thundered from the golden balcony of his White Palatium. “Not Jupiter! Not Zeus! Not even the SUN! And believe me, the sun only shines because I allow it. TREMENDOUS!”
The Greatest Energy Domination Since the Invention of Fire!
Since his triumphant return to the imperial throne, Trumpius Caesar has, according to his own magnificent declarations, completely revolutionized the planet's energy system.
His first victim? The sinister regulations of former Emperor Barackus Obamus, who had committed the unforgivable crime of treating pollution, exhaust fumes, and other deeply unpatriotic substances as potential environmental problems.
Particularly glorious was the imperial destruction of the so-called Endangerment Finding, a bureaucratic monstrosity that had dared to suggest greenhouse gases might threaten public health.
“Dangerous? CO₂? RIDICULOUS!” the Emperor roared. “Plants LOVE CO₂! I LOVE plants! Therefore, CO₂ is practically an imperial VITAMIN! Very healthy! Very beautiful!”
The Ministry of Imperial Scientific Simplification immediately ordered all climate charts to display arrows pointing upward.
After all, growth is always tremendous.
Even when it's the global temperature.
Coal Is the New Gold — Only Dirtier and More Beautiful!
Nothing warms the imperial heart quite like coal.
“BEAUTIFUL, CLEAN COAL!” Trumpius declared lovingly as a servant presented him with a soot-covered golden lump.
The Emperor immediately ordered coal to be officially renamed “The Black Sunshine of the Empire.”
Enormous imperial treasures would be devoted to resurrecting aging coal-fired power plants, some of which were reportedly so ancient that their original construction plans had been discovered painted on cave walls.
Trumpius considered this a tremendous advantage.
“These power plants have HISTORY! Incredible history! Some remember when the wheel was invented! Fantastic technology! Nobody builds ancient power plants better than we do!”
To celebrate coal's glorious resurrection, the Emperor commissioned a golden smokestack in the palace courtyard.
It would release patriotic smoke around the clock.
The Ministry of Public Reassurance assured citizens that the smoke was completely harmless, provided nobody inhaled it.
Venezuela: When the Emperor Sees Oil, He Sees Property!
The absolute masterpiece of Trumpius Caesar's energy strategy was his supposedly historic petroleum agreement involving Venezuelan oil reserves.
“THE BIGGEST OIL DEAL IN HUMAN HISTORY!” the Emperor proclaimed. “Bigger than Rome! Bigger than Babylon! Bigger than every gas station on Earth COMBINED!”
Imperial cartographers were immediately instructed to rename Venezuela “Petroleumia Trumpiana.”
A gigantic golden drinking straw was ceremonially placed upon an enormous map, stretching directly from the Venezuelan oil fields to the imperial fuel reservoirs of Mar-a-Lago.
When a nervous adviser suggested that international petroleum agreements involved certain legal complexities and diplomatic considerations, Trumpius interrupted him.
“Complexities? I don't do complexities! I do DEALS! The BIGGEST DEALS! Everybody knows it!”
The adviser was promptly promoted to Deputy Undersecretary of Unnecessary Concerns.
His new office had no telephone, no windows, and absolutely no influence.
Nuclear Power for the Emperor's Artificial Intelligence!
Nuclear energy, too, would experience a magnificent imperial renaissance.
New reactors would supply enough electricity to power factories, data centers, advanced technology, and, most importantly, the Emperor's enormous collection of television screens displaying his own speeches.
Particularly important was the energy supply for artificial superintelligence.
“We will have the SMARTEST artificial intelligence!” Trumpius promised. “Maybe even smarter than me. Although that's technically IMPOSSIBLE! Scientists have confirmed it. The best scientists!”
The new imperial supercomputer therefore received a special safety mechanism.
Whenever artificial intelligence disagreed with the Emperor, it would automatically be disconnected and replaced with a calculator programmed to display only one word:
“GREAT!”
The palace proudly announced that the system had achieved perfect political alignment.
Unfortunately, it could no longer perform mathematics.
Electricity Prices Will Fall — By Imperial Command!
Trumpius Caesar also expressed his legendary concern for the electricity bills of his loyal subjects.
He therefore unveiled the magnificent “Edictum Pretium Electricum,” an imperial pledge promising affordable electricity throughout the realm.
“I have PERSONALLY ordered electricity to become cheaper!” the Emperor declared. “Nobody has ever negotiated harder with electricity than me!”
Energy companies reacted cautiously.
One unfortunate executive attempted to explain that electricity prices depended on production costs, infrastructure, investment, and market conditions.
Trumpius was horrified.
“MARKETS? COSTS? I AM the market! I AM the costs! I am practically the ELECTRICAL OUTLET!”
To provide immediate relief to American households, the Emperor decreed that all future electricity bills must be printed on magnificent golden paper.
The bills would not become cheaper.
But they would certainly look much more expensive.
The Imperial Treasury classified this achievement as a historic victory for consumer confidence.
The Final Decree: The Sun Shall Be Nationalized!
At the grand conclusion of the imperial festivities, Trumpius Caesar rose from his magnificent golden throne to unveil the boldest energy initiative in recorded history.
“Why should we settle for oil, gas, coal, and nuclear power?” he demanded. “We will control the GREATEST energy source in the ENTIRE UNIVERSE!”
He dramatically pointed toward the sky.
“THE SUN!”
The Imperial Ministry of Energy Domination was immediately ordered to register every sunbeam entering American territory as sovereign imperial property.
Foreign nations would henceforth be required to pay licensing fees for the unauthorized use of American sunlight.
Clouds blocking solar radiation would face devastating tariffs.
Windmills would be investigated for suspiciously interfering with the Emperor's atmosphere.
Even the Moon came under investigation for allegedly redistributing American sunlight at night without paying royalties.
When the Chief Imperial Astronomer cautiously explained that the Sun had been shining for billions of years without a presidential permit, he was arrested for unauthorized cosmic employment.
Finally, Trumpius Caesar signed the supreme decree of the day:
“FROM THIS MOMENT FORWARD, ALL ENERGY BELONGS TO THE EMPEROR! ELECTRONS SHALL MOVE PATRIOTICALLY! RESISTANCE IS FUTILE! POWER OUTAGES SHALL BE CONSIDERED HIGH TREASON!”
The imperial court erupted in thunderous applause.
Trumpets sounded.
Golden banners fluttered.
The Emperor smiled triumphantly.
And then, without warning, every light in the White Palatium went out.
Total darkness.
Complete silence.
Trumpius stared into the blackness.
“SABOTAGE!” he screamed. “THE DEMOCRATS HAVE STOLEN MY ELECTRONS!”
A trembling servant cautiously lit a candle.
The Emperor stared at the tiny flame.
His expression changed.
His eyes widened.
A magnificent smile spread across his face.
“LOOK AT THAT!” Trumpius exclaimed triumphantly. “I HAVE JUST INVENTED FIRE! THE GREATEST FIRE IN HISTORY! Nobody has ever invented fire like me!”
He paused, admiring his glorious achievement.
Then he issued one final imperial command:
“AND TOMORROW, WE'RE PRIVATIZING DARKNESS! EVERYBODY WILL PAY TO TURN OFF THE LIGHTS! THE GREATEST BUSINESS DEAL IN THE HISTORY OF THE UNIVERSE!”
And so ended another magnificent day in the Imperium Americanum.
Where the Emperor owned the oil, commanded the electrons, regulated the Sun, and had finally discovered the ultimate renewable resource:
His own limitless ability to declare victory over absolutely everything.
