Imperium Trumpianum – Imperial Court Dispatch, October VII, MMXXVI
History was made once again inside the Golden Palace of Washingtonium.
Not through military conquest. Not through a magnificent peace treaty. And certainly not through the accidental discovery of a functioning government agency.
No!
Imperator Donaldus Trumpius Caesar Maximus, Conqueror of Bureaucracy, Supreme Guardian of the Imperial Treasury, and Greatest Financial Genius in the Known Universe, placed his tremendous imperial signature upon two extraordinary laws.
The royal historians immediately declared it the greatest administrative achievement since the invention of paperwork.
One Contact Person! The Empire Trembles!
The first decree bears the magnificent title Lex Identitatis Recuperandae Maxima — the Great Imperial Law for Recovering Stolen Identities.
Until now, citizens of the empire whose Social Security numbers had been stolen or whose Social Security cards had mysteriously disappeared were forced to wander through the legendary labyrinth of the Administratio Securitatis Socialis.
There, they encountered endless telephone menus, mysterious departments, locked office doors, and government employees whose primary responsibility appeared to be transferring callers to other government employees.
Some citizens reportedly grew old while waiting for assistance.
Others were allegedly declared deceased before reaching an actual human being.
But those dark days are over!
Trumpius Caesar has personally decreed that victims of identity theft shall now receive one single point of contact.
ONE!
Not seven. Not twelve. Not an entire Roman legion of bureaucrats.
Just one!
"Nobody has ever centralized a contact person like I have!" proclaimed the Emperor before his thunderously applauding court. "It's beautiful. It's tremendous. Other emperors had entire armies. I have ONE CONTACT PERSON! Nobody thought it was possible!"
Imperial Minister Formularius Maximus nearly collapsed from excitement.
Unfortunately, an emergency committee was immediately established to determine which department would be responsible for appointing the official responsible for identifying the single point of contact.
A preliminary report is expected following an extensive review of the committee's jurisdiction.
The Billion-Dollar Boondoggle Decree: When Construction Outlives Civilization
The second law is even more magnificent.
It carries the glorious imperial title Lex Boondogglus Billionarius, commonly known throughout the empire as the Great Law Against Billion-Dollar Government Nonsense.
Under this revolutionary legislation, federally funded projects must be identified in annual reports if they are more than five years behind schedule or have exceeded their original cost estimates by more than one billion dollars.
A breathtaking innovation!
Until now, imperial construction policy followed a sacred principle:
What costs a million today shall cost a billion tomorrow. And what should be completed next year shall first undergo another magnificent planning ceremony.
Consider the legendary fictional imperial construction project known as Pontus Aureus Maximus, the Golden Bridge of Eternal Prosperity.
Construction has continued for decades.
Originally, the bridge was supposed to connect two riverbanks.
Today, it primarily connects one fiscal disaster to another.
The bridge has no roadway, no railings, and absolutely no visible prospect of completion.
However, it does possess an executive advisory board, an independent oversight commission, a strategic modernization committee, and an entire department dedicated to updating its projected completion date.
Imperial Treasurer Pecunius Verschwendicus proudly explained that the project had become so expensive that canceling it would now be financially irresponsible.
Trumpius Caesar was deeply impressed.
"A billion dollars over budget? Peanuts! I've seen golden palace bathrooms worth more than that. But we're going to expose this waste. With reports! Beautiful reports! The biggest, most incredible reports in human history!"
The court erupted in applause.
Several senators requested additional funding for commemorative plaques.
The Greatest Reporting Revolution in Imperial History
The true genius of the new law lies in its breathtaking simplicity.
Government projects that have been catastrophically mismanaged for years must now appear in an annual report.
At last, the empire possesses a reliable mechanism for ensuring that spectacular financial disasters are not merely tolerated but also professionally documented.
Supreme Senator Reportius Papyrus hailed the legislation as a historic breakthrough.
"Previously, we merely suspected that our projects were financially disastrous. Now we shall receive official confirmation every single year!"
To implement this monumental achievement, the imperial court proposed the creation of the Commissio Maxima Contra Boondogglum, the Supreme Commission for Monitoring Reports About Delayed Government Projects.
Its first proposed initiative?
A magnificent new government headquarters to house all the reports.
Projected completion: Eventually.
Estimated cost: Classified.
Potential delays: Under review.
To demonstrate its commitment to financial responsibility, the commission also proposed hiring an independent consulting firm to determine whether the new headquarters would require an additional independent consulting firm.
The proposal was unanimously described as an outstanding investment in administrative efficiency.
Two Decrees, One Emperor, Infinite Greatness
That evening, Trumpius Caesar summoned his imperial scribes to ensure that his latest achievements would be preserved for future generations.
The first law aims to prevent victims of identity theft from being endlessly shuffled between government offices.
The second aims to ensure that spectacularly delayed or overbudget federal projects receive the recognition they deserve in official annual reports.
"See?" the Emperor declared triumphantly. "I've defeated bureaucracy AND brought government waste under control! Nobody has ever controlled so much! People are saying I'm the greatest controller of government waste in history. Even Julius Caesar never had reports this beautiful!"
The senators applauded.
The ministers bowed.
The imperial accountants quietly hid beneath their desks.
And somewhere in the empire, an enormous government construction project was delayed by another six years.
But nobody panicked.
After all, there was now a law ensuring that the disaster would eventually appear in an annual report.
And thus ended another glorious day in the Imperium Trumpianum:
If you lose your identity, the Emperor gives you a contact person.
If you lose a billion dollars, the Emperor gives you a report.
And if you lose both?
CONGRATULATIONS! YOU'VE BEEN PROMOTED TO IMPERIAL PROJECT MANAGER!
AVE TRUMPIUS! The Emperor never loses money. He merely allows it to disappear on a magnificently delayed schedule.
And remember: In the Imperium Trumpianum, a billion-dollar disaster isn't a failure. It's a tremendous opportunity to produce the most beautiful paperwork the world has ever seen!
