WASHINGTONIUM — For years, scholars believed the Empire had already identified its most dangerous enemies: senators, journalists, bureaucrats, wind turbines, bad polls, and occasionally people who ask follow-up questions at press conferences.
But now, a far more sinister enemy has been discovered.
It is tiny.
It hides in the grass.
And it does not carry a press credential.
The tick.
And so Imperator Donaldus Trumpius Caesar Maximus reached for the most powerful weapon available to the ruler of Washingtonium:
the golden signing pen.
With one majestic stroke, Caesar placed his imperial signature upon Senatus Decretum S. MMCCCXCVIII, known among ordinary mortals as the Kay Hagan Tick Reauthorization Act.
The measure continues federal activities addressing diseases transmitted by ticks and other vectors through the year MMXXX.
Or, as the heralds of the Palatium Albus reportedly summarized it:
ROMA MAGA HAS NOW SECURED THE LAWN.
Trumpius Versus the Tiny Menace
One can only imagine how the emergency briefing inside the Ovalium Officium unfolded.
A nervous imperial aide entered.
“Caesar, we have a problem.”
Trumpius looked up from a gold-framed portrait of himself.
“China?”
“No, Caesar.”
“The Democratici?”
“No.”
“Fake News?”
“Not this time.”
A terrible silence filled the chamber.
“Ticks.”
Trumpius slowly lowered his pen.
“How big?”
“Very small.”
The Emperor narrowed his eyes.
“Cowards.”
And with that, the geopolitical situation had been completely assessed.
Operation Tall Grass
For Trumpius Caesar understands one eternal principle of imperial government:
An empire must never show weakness.
Especially not to an organism hiding in shrubbery and extracting blood without first obtaining a permit.
Lesser administrations might have spoken about public health programs, research, prevention, regional centers, and long-term disease surveillance.
Not Trumpius.
Under the imperial narrative, the legions are already marching toward America’s backyards.
The Legio Repellentia secures the picnic blankets.
The Cohors Dermatologica inspects the ankles.
And the feared Praetoria Tweezeris stands ready with precision instruments to remove any hostile occupier attempting an unauthorized annexation of American skin.
Rumors even circulated that Caesar demanded all ticks apply for formal entry authorization before crossing the border of a citizen’s sock line.
The Department of Homeland Imperium immediately declined to comment on a question nobody had asked.
A Historic Victory. Probably.
Inside the Palatium Albus, court historians were already preparing to document the enormous significance of the decree.
Augustus had the Germanic tribes.
Napoleon had the Russian winter.
Trumpius Caesar has chosen an adversary small enough to fit comfortably on a blade of grass.
Strategically flawless.
If the great anti-tick campaign succeeds, future generations may look back and say:
Here began the glorious age when Americans could once again enter tall grass without immediately conducting a full-body inspection upon returning home.
The Aureum Aetatum Repellentiae.
The Golden Age of Bug Spray.
The Imperial Decree
And so the trumpeters of Washingtonium sounded the announcement:
SPQR — Senatus Populusque Roma MAGA.
The Caesar has spoken.
The programs shall continue.
The researchers shall research.
The public-health machinery shall keep turning.
And somewhere deep in an American meadow, one nervous tick is sitting on a blade of grass, staring toward Washingtonium and realizing:
It is over.
Because this creature is no longer dealing merely with scientists, doctors, health departments, and public-health agencies.
No.
It now faces the full power of the Empire.
With strategy.
With science.
With bureaucracy.
And above all, with the most devastating instrument ever developed by Western civilization:
a presidential signature extending an existing federal program.
Trumpius Caesar then raised the golden pen toward the heavens, gazed across the gardens of the Palatium Albus, and delivered the immortal words:
Veni. Vidi. Ticki.
Rome conquered kingdoms.
Caesar conquered Gaul.
Trumpius conquered the lawn.
And from this day forward, every tick hiding in the imperial underbrush must remember one thing:
If you intend to suck America dry, get in line behind the tax system.
