WASHINGTONIUM, D.C. — August 7, 2026. There are days in the mightiest empire of the Western Hemisphere when wars are discussed, trade agreements are forged, and magnificent decrees are signed upon very important desks.
And then there are days when Imperator Donaldus Trumpius Maximus Caesar unrolls the Imperial Personnel Scroll and discovers an urgent geopolitical crisis:
Somebody still needs to be Ambassador to Tonga.
Unacceptable!
And so the Imperator dispatched a magnificent collection of nominations to the Senatus Americanus, that ancient chamber where important appointments are examined, debated, reconsidered, scheduled, rescheduled, and occasionally confirmed before everybody involved qualifies for retirement.
Trumpius understands the fundamental principle of empire:
A great nation needs great people.
And tremendous business cards.
The Great Diplomatic Migration Begins
First upon the Imperial Scroll stands Leslius Becerus Transporticus of Virginium, nominated to become an Assistant Secretary of Transportation.
His sacred imperial responsibility will presumably involve ensuring that American things successfully travel from Point A to Point B — an achievement so ambitious that Washingtonium may eventually establish a commission to study it.
Then comes Justinus Bythewayus Utahensis, destined, should the Senate approve, to become Ambassador Extraordinary and Plenipotentiary to the Kingdom of Tonga.
A kingdom!
Trumpius loves kingdoms.
They have crowns. They have palaces. They have royal ceremonies. Most importantly, they sound much more imperial than something called the Subcommittee on Administrative Procedures and Government Efficiency.
Justinus shall therefore travel forth as America's representative bearing the magnificent title “Ambassador Extraordinary and Plenipotentiary,” which in Imperial Latin roughly translates as:
Very Important Person With Diplomatic Luggage.
But Trumpius Caesar does not believe every country necessarily requires an entirely separate ambassador.
That would be inefficient.
Thus arrives Marcus Dillardus Diplomaticus, nominated to represent the United States in both Madagascar and the Comoros — concurrently and, magnificently, without additional compensation.
Two countries.
One ambassador.
One salary.
This is not merely diplomacy.
This is a geopolitical bundle deal.
Trumpius has effectively invented the diplomatic equivalent of: “Represent two nations and get the second posting at no additional cost.”
Tremendous savings!
From Chad to Togo: The Imperial Map Gets Name Tags
Next, Trumpius Caesar turns toward Africa, Central America, and Central Asia with the enthusiasm of a man standing before an enormous Risk board.
Willius Flensius Diplomaticus is nominated for Chad.
Natasha Franceschia Californica is selected for Nicaragua.
Stevenus Gillenius Kyrgyzicus is dispatched toward the Kyrgyz Republic.
Then comes Carolus Goodman Tertius Floridensis, nominated for Togo.
His name already contains “the Third,” making him so naturally Roman that the Imperial Department of Name Improvement barely had to do anything.
Keithius Heffernus Gabonicus is nominated for Gabon.
Jessica Longia Mauritanica receives Mauritania.
Petrus Lordius Beninensis receives Benin.
Johannes McIntyrus Texanus receives Malawi.
And Nutanus Patelius Atlanticus is nominated for Cabo Verde.
Within minutes, Trumpius has populated more of the diplomatic world map than most people can correctly identify during a geography quiz.
One can almost imagine the Imperator standing before a giant globe inside the Palatium Album, pointing majestically:
“Ambassador!”
Spin.
“Ambassador!”
Spin.
“Another ambassador!”
Pause.
“Where is this?”
An imperial adviser whispers something.
“Tremendous country. Always loved it.”
The Arctic Finally Gets an Ambassador
And then comes perhaps the most gloriously Trumpian appointment upon the entire scroll:
Julia Nesheiwatia Arcticissima, nominated to become Ambassador-at-Large for the Arctic.
A new position.
Naturally.
Because somewhere inside Washingtonium, somebody apparently looked north and realized that the Arctic is enormous, strategically important, full of resources, covered in ice — and somehow lacking a sufficiently magnificent American diplomatic title.
That administrative tragedy may finally be corrected.
America could soon have an ambassador for ice.
Not merely an Ice Ambassador, of course.
That would sound far too modest.
An Ambassador-at-Large for the Arctic.
One imagines Arcticissima beginning her mornings discussing Greenland, spending lunch negotiating with polar strategy experts, and finishing the afternoon delivering a strongly worded diplomatic message to a suspicious glacier.
For Trumpius Caesar, the portfolio practically sells itself.
Greenland!
Resources!
Shipping routes!
National security!
Extremely large ice cubes!
At last, Washingtonium possesses an imperial foreign-policy office with built-in refrigeration.
Meanwhile, Back Inside the Empire
Not everyone upon the Imperial Scroll is being dispatched across oceans.
Dennis Kirkus Inspector Maximus is nominated to become Inspector General at the Department of the Interior, where his duties will presumably include ensuring that everything inside the Interior remains sufficiently inspected.
Then arrives Maria Lazarus Seniorum, nominated as Assistant Secretary for Aging at the Department of Health and Human Services.
It is perhaps Washington's most inevitable department.
Every American is a potential future constituent.
Even senators.
Especially senators.
Then comes the magnificent case of Michael Rigas Duplicatus.
Trumpius nominates Rigas to the Board of Directors of the Export-Import Bank for the remainder of a term expiring in January 2027.
But why stop there?
Rigas is also nominated for another term lasting until January 2031.
This is imperial efficiency at its finest.
Other presidents nominate a person once.
Trumpius nominates him twice.
Very efficient.
Very prepared.
Possibly the first bureaucratic sequel ordered before the original appointment has even finished.
Communications, Development, and Imperial Mediation
Danielle Thumann Seversia Carolina is nominated to the Federal Communications Commission, where she may confront the great modern American communications paradox:
Every refrigerator, automobile, doorbell, television, watch, and toothbrush can apparently connect to the internet, yet somebody on every conference call still says:
“Can you hear me?”
Meanwhile, Robertus Stebbins Developmentus is nominated as Deputy Chief Executive Officer of the United States International Development Finance Corporation.
This title is itself an endurance test.
Anyone capable of saying “Deputy Chief Executive Officer of the United States International Development Finance Corporation” three times without stopping should probably receive Senate confirmation automatically.
Finally comes Loren E. Sweattus Mediator, nominated once again to serve on the National Mediation Board.
A reappointment!
Because even in the Empire of Trumpius, experience matters.
Especially the experience of already knowing which hallway leads to the conference room.
Now the Senatus Receives the Imperial Scroll
And thus the magnificent personnel caravan arrives before the Senatus Americanus.
Transportation.
Workplace safety.
Health.
Communications.
Development finance.
Export financing.
Mediation.
Inspectors.
Ambassadors for Africa.
Ambassadors for Central America.
Ambassadors for Central Asia.
An ambassador for Tonga.
And now even an ambassador for the Arctic.
Where lesser administrations see vacancies, Trumpius Caesar sees an enormous world map covered with empty nameplates.
Tonga?
Assigned.
Togo?
Assigned.
Gabon?
Assigned.
Malawi?
Assigned.
The Arctic?
Finally assigned.
The imperial machinery continues turning.
There remains, however, one shocking vacancy.
No Ambassador Extraordinary and Plenipotentiary to the Moon has yet appeared upon the scroll.
An obvious oversight.
But fear not.
There will always be another nomination day.
