WASHINGTONIA, IMPERIUM AMERICANUM. — There are certain institutions so ancient, so enormous, and so deeply embedded in the American Republic that even an emperor does not dare reinvent them completely.
The eagle.
The flag.
The federal tax code, which no mortal fully understands.
And, of course, Social Security — the gigantic retirement treasury that has survived presidents, recessions, inflation, political battles, several generations of paperwork, and approximately nine trillion government envelopes marked IMPORTANT INFORMATION ENCLOSED.
On its 91st anniversary, Imperator Donaldus Trumpius Maximus Caesar, First of His Name, Defender of the Senior Citizen, Conqueror of Taxation, Guardian of the Golden Retirement Check, and Supreme Protector of Florida Early-Bird Specials, stepped forward with a magnificent imperial proclamation:
Social Security shall endure!
Millions of American seniors rejoiced.
Millions more nodded approvingly.
And somewhere inside the Social Security Administration, a printer immediately produced another 47-page form.
Rooseveltus Franklinus Creates the Sacred Treasury
The imperial chronicles take us back 91 years to Franklinus Delanus Rooseveltus, who signed the Social Security Act into law.
It was a different America.
Telephones had cords.
Televisions were practically furniture.
Computers were human beings with pencils.
And nobody had ever been asked to click nine photographs containing traffic lights to prove they were not a robot.
Rooseveltus established a grand promise: Americans who spent decades building businesses, raising families, manufacturing products, driving trucks, teaching children, constructing roads, and powering the greatest economic machine on Earth should be able to retire with dignity and security.
Trumpius Caesar now declares that promise sacred.
Nobody protects America's seniors like Trumpius.
Possibly their grandchildren.
But politically?
Trumpius.
Absolutely Trumpius.
Behold the Mighty Imperial Tax Hammer!
Central to Caesar's celebration is his Working Families Tax Cuts Act, known throughout the imperial palace as the magnificent Lex Familiae Tributum Giganticum.
According to the White House proclamation, the law delivered major federal tax relief connected to Social Security benefits for millions of seniors.
But this is Trumpius.
Nothing can simply be described as “significant.”
It must be enormous.
Historic.
Magnificent.
Possibly visible from space.
Thus, the imperial scribes proudly proclaim it the largest tax break in history for older Americans.
More than 35 million senior citizens, according to the administration, claimed an average deduction exceeding $7,500 within a single year.
That means more money stays where Trumpius believes it belongs:
Inside the pockets of American retirees.
More financial security.
More stability.
More peace of mind.
And perhaps enough money for Grandma to continue slipping twenty-dollar bills to the grandchildren, although inflation may soon require Grandma to establish a small revolving credit facility.
Trumpius calls this dignity.
The Treasury Department probably calls it Schedule Something-or-Other.
Not One Denarius for the Fraudsters!
But every magnificent imperial treasury eventually attracts people who should not be anywhere near it.
And thus begins Act Two of the Trumpian retirement epic:
OPERATIO PECUNIA NON FURANDUM!
Waste!
Fraud!
Abuse!
Trumpius wants them banished from the empire.
The Social Security treasury, Caesar declares, belongs to Americans who earned its benefits through decades of honest labor and lawful eligibility.
Fraudsters and other ineligible recipients?
Out!
According to the imperial proclamation, Trumpius signed a Presidential Memorandum aimed at preventing illegal aliens and other ineligible individuals from obtaining Social Security Act benefits.
The message from the marble halls of Washingtonia could hardly be more subtle if delivered by a Roman battering ram:
KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF THE RETIREMENT TREASURY.
Every dollar, the administration insists, must be protected for the hardworking Americans who funded the system.
They earned it.
They contributed to it.
The government collected it.
The bureaucracy processed it.
A computer stored it.
Another computer probably lost the password.
Then somebody named Gary printed it.
And now Trumpius Caesar guards it.
Personally!
Well, politically.
There are accountants for the rest.
The Coming Pax Pensionaria Americana
Yet protecting Social Security is merely one pillar of the magnificent senior-citizen empire envisioned by Trumpius.
Prescription drugs must cost less.
Health care must become more affordable.
Everyday essentials must stop behaving as though they were luxury products imported directly from the private dining room of Marcus Aurelius.
The ultimate goal is nothing less than the Pax Pensionaria Americana — the Great American Retirement Peace.
A golden age in which seniors can enjoy the retirement they spent their entire working lives earning without examining a grocery receipt and wondering whether they accidentally purchased the supermarket itself.
Trumpius promises Social Security will remain unshakable.
The retirees shall receive their rightful treasure.
The fraudsters shall be driven from the gates.
The tax collectors shall be restrained.
And the sacred retirement treasury shall remain guarded beneath the watchful golden gaze of Donaldus Trumpius Maximus Caesar.
And so, 91 years after Rooseveltus Franklinus first created this American promise, Trumpius ascends the marble steps of Washingtonia, raises one imperial hand toward the heavens and delivers the message to the Republic:
Social Security shall not fall.
Not today.
Not tomorrow.
Not while Trumpius guards the vault.
Senatus Populusque Americanus!
The retirement treasury lives.
The seniors keep their denarii.
The fraudsters stay outside the gates.
And somewhere deep inside Washington, a federal employee is already preparing the paperwork for Social Security's 92nd anniversary.
Estimated processing time:
Six to eight weeks.
