Trumpius Caesar and the Holy App of Absolute Truth
WASHINGTONIUM IMPERIALIS — Trumpets thunder through the golden halls of the Palatium Album, marble columns tremble with patriotic excitement, and somewhere deep beneath the Imperial Wi-Fi Router, a notification proudly declares:
Trumpius Caesar is trending again.
According to the official scribes of the Imperial Court, the White House app has climbed the sacred mountains of the App Store and reached glorious heights among news applications.
Naturally, this is being treated not merely as a successful download.
No.
This is civilization advancing.
Rome had roads.
Egypt had pyramids.
America now has push notifications from Donaldus Trumpius Caesar Magnus, First of His Algorithm, Protector of the Notification Bell and Eternal Conqueror of the Uncomfortable Follow-Up Question.
The Imperial Palace explains that citizens are flocking toward the app because they are tired of traditional media allegedly distorting the heroic achievements of Trumpius.
The solution is breathtakingly simple:
Remove the middleman.
Why allow journalists to report what the Emperor did when the Emperor can simply report what the Emperor says the Emperor did?
It is faster.
It is cleaner.
And most importantly, nobody accidentally asks for context.
Journalism Finally Solved
For centuries, humanity suffered from an inefficient communication system.
An event occurred.
A reporter investigated it.
Sources were consulted.
Facts were checked.
Different perspectives were considered.
Questions were asked.
Absolutely exhausting.
Trumpius Caesar has liberated the Republic from this bureaucratic nightmare.
The new imperial model is far more efficient:
Trumpius speaks.
Trumpius App reports that Trumpius spoke.
TrumpTV broadcasts Trumpius speaking.
Trumpius App then reports that TrumpTV successfully broadcast Trumpius speaking.
The information circle is complete.
Nothing enters.
Nothing escapes.
Political scientists may someday call this “vertical media integration.”
Imperial historians will probably call it Tuesday.
Traditional outlets such as CNNicus Maximus, MS Nowius and Politico Minor are presented by the Court roughly the way Roman emperors once described troublesome tribes beyond the frontier: irritating, suspicious and apparently unable to appreciate greatness when greatness is standing directly in front of them beneath very flattering lighting.
Their greatest offense remains obvious.
They sometimes ask questions.
And questions are dangerous things.
One question can lead to another.
Before you know it, somebody is checking whether the magnificent imperial announcement resembles what actually happened.
This is precisely the sort of chaos the Trumpius App was designed to prevent.
Five Stars for Caesar
The Court proudly points toward glowing ratings and millions of downloads as proof that the people have chosen direct imperial enlightenment.
In Trumpian mathematics, popularity and truth have finally become interchangeable units.
Many downloads?
Must be accurate.
High ranking?
Clearly historic.
Five stars?
Practically constitutional.
By this standard, Candy Crush remains only one cabinet appointment away from becoming Secretary of State.
The app promises news, videos, photographs, presidential messages, live events, schedules and direct communication with the Administration.
In other words, your smartphone is no longer merely a telephone.
It is now a portable balcony of Caesar.
The ancient emperor had to walk outside and address the citizens.
Trumpius requires only:
DING.
And suddenly millions of people know that something historic has happened.
What was historic?
Details can follow later.
The important thing is that it was historic.
TrumpTV: Bread, Circuses and 24/7 Trumpius
Then comes the crown jewel of the Imperial Media Machine:
TrumpTV.
Here, the greatest moments of the Trump Administration stream continuously for the benefit of citizens who feared there might still be several minutes each day during which they were not watching Trumpius.
Speeches!
Signings!
Motorcades!
State visits!
Remarks!
Handshakes!
Historic walking!
Historic sitting!
Historic looking at important things!
Every movement becomes an event.
Every event becomes content.
Every piece of content becomes evidence that the previous content was historically successful.
Ordinary television networks occasionally make the mistake of showing weather forecasts, sports, documentaries or even other human beings.
TrumpTV avoids this problem.
Its central editorial question is much simpler:
“How much Trumpius can fit into one screen?”
The answer, apparently, is:
More.
Direct Democracy, Imperial Edition
Citizens may even send feedback directly to the Administration.
A touching reminder that democracy remains alive and well inside the application — somewhere between the video archive and the notification settings.
One can imagine millions of messages arriving at the palace:
“Magnificent, Caesar!”
“Historic, Caesar!”
“Best push notification ever, Caesar!”
And perhaps, somewhere deep inside the server infrastructure, an algorithm begins sweating nervously whenever someone types:
“But…”
The Imperial Ministry assures everyone that this is direct access to government.
Critics might describe it differently.
Fortunately, those critics can download the app and receive clarification directly from the government about why the critics are wrong.
Efficiency again.
From the Ovalum Officium Straight Into Your Pocket
And so a new age dawns under Trumpius Caesar Digitalis Primus.
Government communication, television, press releases, political branding, social media and presidential self-celebration are melted together into one glorious golden application.
No filter, says the Palace.
Which presumably means the only filter is deciding what gets published in the first place.
Soon, perhaps, press conferences will become unnecessary.
Every citizen might wake to an imperial notification:
“Good morning. Everything is tremendous. Caesar is already working.”
At lunch:
“Still tremendous.”
And before bedtime:
“Historic day completed. Five-star rating appreciated.”
Ancient Rome required messengers, scrolls and heralds.
Trumpius Caesar requires only Wi-Fi.
The old empire had bread and circuses.
The new empire has apps, streaming and self-applause.
And perhaps that is the true technological revolution of the Trumpius Age:
The world no longer needs to watch the Emperor.
The Emperor now sends the world a notification explaining how magnificently it should have watched him.
Ave Trumpius.
Ave Appius.
Ave Eternal Push Notification.
