In the most glorious Empire ever assembled beneath the heavens—where even a pocket calculator may soon require its own national security adviser—a new chapter in human civilization has officially begun.
Imperatrix Melania Elegantissima Trumpia has ceremoniously unveiled the magnificent Presidential Super Intelligence Challenge MMXXVII, thereby announcing the arrival of an age in which American schoolchildren will no longer be satisfied with building baking-soda volcanoes.
No.
Under the radiant technological dawn of the Trumpian Empire, the children shall build Super Intelligence.
Preferably before lunch.
And if possible, it should also optimize the volcano, replace the substitute teacher, solve inflation and increase imperial productivity before recess.
According to Imperatrix Melania, America’s next groundbreaking idea is already sitting somewhere inside a classroom.
Probably right next to Kevin in the third row, who is currently attempting to unlock his tablet with a cheese sandwich.
But the Empire believes in Kevin.
Because the Empire believes in greatness.
And apparently greatness now comes with Wi-Fi.
The Great Race for the Super Brains
According to the sacred scrolls issued by the Palatium Album, the first great intelligence challenge already inspired armies of young Romans from every province of the American Empire.
Naturally, this means the next one must be larger.
More spectacular.
More futuristic.
And significantly more super.
Because under Imperator Donaldus Trumpius Caesar Magnus, whose own genius according to palace historians already exceeds the measuring range of commercially available instruments, ordinary artificial intelligence is apparently no longer impressive enough.
AI was yesterday.
Now comes SI.
Super Intelligence.
Because if a technological phrase already sounds impressive, adding the word “Super” automatically transforms it into national destiny.
American students shall now design projects, solve problems, invent revolutionary technologies and presumably discover before lunchtime how to eliminate world conflict, traffic congestion and unreliable school Wi-Fi simultaneously.
The imperial doctrine is clear:
The next generation shall not merely use technology.
It shall command it.
Responsibly, of course.
Very responsibly.
Imperially responsibly.
The Sacred Seal of Digital Enlightenment
There is also a magnificent new distinction:
The First Lady Seal of Super Intelligence Readiness.
Or, in proper imperial Latin, perhaps something resembling:
Sigillum Primae Dominae Intelligentiae Maximae Preparatae Magnificentissimae.
Schools throughout the Empire may earn this sacred digital emblem by proving that their students and educators are properly prepared for the coming age of Super Intelligence.
Think of it as an official inspection sticker for the future.
Only more majestic.
And presumably with considerably more gold around the edges.
Soon, an American school may proudly announce:
“Our gymnasium roof still leaks whenever it rains, but our Super Intelligence readiness is absolutely magnificent.”
Priorities, citizens.
Priorities.
The seal shall recognize schools taking serious steps to ensure that students understand, operate and responsibly engage with Super Intelligence.
Exactly what “responsibly” means may become slightly more complicated when a student tells his SI assistant:
“Write my homework so my teacher thinks I wrote it myself.”
And the Super Intelligence responds:
“To achieve that level of realism, I would first need to reduce the quality dramatically.”
America’s Future Apparently Requires Wi-Fi
Imperatrix Melania has proclaimed that the security, prosperity and global leadership of America depend upon the next generation.
This is strangely reassuring.
After all, adults spent decades inventing smartphones powerful enough to access nearly all human knowledge, only to use them primarily for photographing breakfast and arguing with strangers.
Perhaps allowing the children to take over is worth a try.
The Presidential Super Intelligence Challenge therefore promises to encourage creativity, innovation and practical solutions to real-world problems.
From classrooms.
To communities.
To the furthest reaches of the magnificent Trumpian Empire.
Perhaps some young student will create technology capable of detecting diseases.
Perhaps another will discover revolutionary clean energy.
Perhaps a teenage programmer will design an intelligence capable of solving humanity’s greatest scientific mysteries.
Or perhaps someone will finally develop software advanced enough to explain to adults why they should not click an email screaming:
“URGENT!!! YOUR ACCOUNT WILL BE DELETED!!! CLICK HERE IMMEDIATELY!!!”
That alone might qualify as the greatest technological breakthrough of the century.
Trumpius Caesar Reviews His Digital Legions
Inside the Palatium Album, Imperator Trumpius Caesar may now gaze proudly across his growing army of young digital legionaries.
Ancient empires conquered the world with swords, shields and marching armies.
The modern Trumpian Empire apparently intends to conquer it with algorithms, certificates and enough Chromebooks to cover the entire Rubicon.
The message could hardly be clearer:
America shall not merely lead the world in artificial intelligence.
America shall lead in Super Intelligence.
And should humanity eventually create a machine more intelligent than every human being combined, it will probably cure cancer, perfect fusion power, explain dark matter and calculate the fundamental structure of the universe within its first few seconds of operation.
Then it will open the political news from Washington.
Analyze it.
Analyze it again.
Run a complete diagnostic check.
Verify that none of its processors are malfunctioning.
And finally write into its system log:
“No technical error detected. The input data really is this absurd.”
At which point the first truly super-intelligent political decision in human history will be made:
The machine will apply for asylum in Canada.
