WASHINGTONIUM — A new era of imperial communication has begun inside the magnificent halls of the Palatium Album, where Cattia Zacharia Maxima, newly installed as the XXXVII High Speaker of the House of Trumpius, stepped before the assembled scribes, microphone priests, camera legionaries, professional interrupters and permanent residents of the sacred press chamber.
And within moments, one thing became perfectly clear:
This was not merely a press briefing.
This was the construction of a verbal triumphal arch.
The Palatium quickly proclaimed Cattia’s inaugural appearance “commanding,” a word that in the Empire of Trumpius usually exists somewhere between historic, tremendous, unprecedented, and possibly the greatest event since humans discovered microphones.
The media, naturally, covered the event from wall to wall.
And in the imperial system, wall-to-wall coverage automatically proves historic importance — especially when the palace has already informed everyone that the event is historic.
“I Have Wanted to Serve Caesar for a Very Long Time”
Cattia Zacharia Maxima opened her reign with the traditional declaration of loyalty to Imperator Donaldus Trumpius Magnus.
She was deeply honored to serve Caesar and the American people, she explained, and had wanted to work for him for a very long time.
This reportedly brought immediate calm to the palace.
In the Trumpius Empire, wanting to work for Caesar already fulfills approximately half of the job description.
The remaining half consists of explaining why everything is going extraordinarily well.
Fortunately, Cattia moved into that portion immediately.
Lower Prices, Greater Victories, More Historic History
According to the new High Speaker, Trumpius Caesar has accomplished things in his second imperial term that previous rulers either never attempted, never achieved, or simply failed to describe with enough capital letters.
Particular attention was given to prescription drug prices.
They had not merely fallen.
No.
Under Trumpius Magnus, they had performed an imperial downward maneuver of such extraordinary magnitude that ordinary adjectives were immediately evacuated from the press room.
In the Empire of Trumpius, there are only three recognized units of measurement:
historic, tremendous and never-before-seen.
Anything described merely as “pretty good” is subject to immediate investigation.
The New Media Throne Shall Remain
Cattia also praised the sacred Nova Media Sedes, the New Media Seat inside the briefing chamber.
Her predecessor, Carolina Leavitta Prima, had apparently performed magnificently, and therefore the special seat would remain — and perhaps even expand.
The Empire, Cattia declared, loves new media.
Podcasters.
Streamers.
Independent journalists.
Online commentators.
And presumably, at some future stage, individuals capable of explaining international trade policy in a vertical video between a protein shake advertisement and footage of a confused golden retriever.
The traditional press corps may therefore wish to hold tightly to its chairs.
Nobody knows which seat might next be assigned to someone whose primary journalistic credential is typing “HUGE!” beneath official government posts.
Caesar Returns to the Provinces
Then came news of the next imperial journey.
Trumpius Magnus is continuing the great Midtermus Blitzus Electoralis, carrying the magnificence of his presence from province to province.
Georgia.
Kentuckia.
Florida.
And undoubtedly somewhere else the moment someone discovers another airport.
The mighty presidential eagle, Aquila One Maxima, will once again carry Caesar across the land so he can personally explain why every local election is, in fact, a national referendum on the splendor of his golden age.
In the Trumpius Empire, campaigning has no true beginning and no true end.
There are merely brief pauses between rallies.
Four Children and One Imperial Press Room
Cattia became more personal when discussing her family.
She has four children.
Several of them boys.
Which means her home life may already qualify as an elite crisis-communications training academy.
Anyone capable of managing children, schedules, family logistics and daily chaos should be reasonably prepared for a room filled with political reporters shouting questions at the same time.
She also hailed Trumpius Caesar as the most family-friendly president in recorded human existence.
The Imperator, she explained, knew she had four children and still entrusted her with one of the most demanding jobs in Washingtonium.
The palace promptly registered this as additional evidence of imperial wisdom.
Cynics might argue that hiring a qualified parent for a senior position is normally known simply as “employment.”
But cynics have never fully understood imperial branding.
And Thus Begins the Age of Cattia
With that, the inaugural briefing drew to a close.
Cattia Zacharia Maxima had survived her first encounter with the imperial press corps.
Trumpius Caesar remained historically successful.
New media remained officially beloved.
Old media remained suspiciously present.
And the next campaign aircraft was practically already taxiing toward the runway.
The Palatium could therefore rest easily.
For in the Empire of Trumpius, the duty of the press secretary is not merely to announce the news.
The true duty is far greater:
If Caesar opens an umbrella in the morning, by lunchtime the nation must understand that he personally stabilized the global climate.
