It was another tremendous evening in the Imperium Americanum.
Historic, obviously.
Possibly the most historic evening since Tuesday.
Inside the marble halls of the Palatium Album, Emperor Donaldus Trumpius Maximus — Guardian of the Golden Sharpie, Conqueror of Teleprompters, Defender of Common Sense and undisputed world champion of adjectives — summoned his scribes for the unveiling of a magnificent new tablet.
Upon it were carved the immortal words:
DECEM PECCATA DEMOCRATICA.
The Ten Sins of the Democrati.
According to the Imperial Court, Trumpius and his Republicani Magnifici had lowered taxes, protected families, secured communities, defended workers, strengthened the borders and generally improved civilization to such an extent that historians may eventually have to divide the calendar into B.T. and A.T.:
Before Trumpius and After Trumpius.
The Democrati Extremissimi, meanwhile, had allegedly spent their time opposing virtually everything sensible, prosperous, secure or sufficiently capitalized.
Trumpius therefore ordered ten charges to be read before the Empire.
Very loudly.
Naturally.
I. Socialismus! The Red Specter Returns
The first accusation concerned socialism.
According to the Palace proclamation, 192 House Democrati voted against denouncing socialism in all its forms.
This caused considerable alarm inside the Palatium.
Servants immediately checked whether hamburgers had been nationalized.
They had not.
Yet.
Trumpius' court nevertheless interpreted the vote as further evidence that the Radical Left wished to open the borders, abolish police and prisons, provide taxpayer benefits to illegal immigrants and transform America into something dangerously European.
Possibly with trains.
And healthcare.
Terrifying.
Court Herald Karolinia Leavittissima was reportedly prepared to explain the entire conspiracy using one chart, seventeen arrows and the word SOCIALISM written in letters large enough to be visible from Cuba.
II. The Greatest Tax Cut Since Julius Caesar Invented Accounting
Charge number two concerned taxes.
Every congressional Democrat, according to the Imperial indictment, had opposed Trumpius' enormous tax legislation.
And this wasn't merely a tax cut.
It was, naturally:
THE GREATEST TAX CUT IN THE HISTORY OF TAX CUTS.
Possibly in the history of cutting things.
The Palace proudly listed tax relief involving tips, overtime and Social Security, along with Trump investment accounts for children and an expanded child-care tax credit.
Trumpius summarized the economic theory rather efficiently:
“Americans get money. Democrati wanted to stop money.”
Economists requested several additional pages of explanation.
Their request was denied.
III. Persia Iranica and the Fifty-Three Heretics
The third tablet concerned the dangerous realm of Persia Iranica.
Trumpius declared himself the first president in 47 years brave enough to truly confront Tehran and ensure that Iran could never possess a nuclear weapon.
Why precisely 47 years?
Nobody asked.
When an emperor provides a number that specific, one simply assumes someone somewhere has a spreadsheet.
The Imperial Court then condemned 53 Democrati who had voted against a measure declaring the Islamic Republic of Iran a state sponsor of terrorism.
Trumpius gazed solemnly toward the horizon.
Or possibly toward a television camera.
With Trumpius, these directions frequently coincide.
IV. Senatorius Stocktradius
Then came an issue capable of uniting Americans across the political spectrum:
Members of Congress becoming mysteriously talented investors.
The Stop Insider Trading Actum was intended to prevent lawmakers from personally profiting from privileged information.
Senate Democrats objected, while nearly 200 House Democrati voted against the measure, according to the Palace.
Trumpius was appalled.
Absolutely appalled.
The Imperial Guard immediately inspected every Bloomberg terminal within 500 yards of Congress.
Several senators reportedly began sweating for completely unrelated reasons.
V. The Revolutionary Concept of Knowing the Price
Charge five concerned healthcare price transparency.
The Democrati, according to the Imperial scroll, voted against legislation requiring hospitals to prominently display prices for medical services.
This introduced an extraordinary concept to American healthcare:
Knowing what something costs before receiving it.
Citizens were stunned.
Some assumed this technology had not yet been invented.
Trumpius reportedly considered extending the idea to restaurants, hotels and possibly lawyers.
The American Medical Billing Industrial Complex immediately requested a fainting couch.
VI. The Battle of Identificatio Voterica
Next came elections.
Trumpius and the Republicani supported the SAVE AMERICA Actum, including citizenship verification when registering and photo identification when voting.
The Democrati repeatedly opposed it.
Trumpius considered the implications obvious:
No identification, no secure election.
Democrats argue that such requirements can create unnecessary barriers for eligible voters.
Unfortunately, that sentence contained nuance and was therefore prohibited from entering the Imperial Fact Sheet.
It remained outside the Palace gates carrying several supporting documents.
VII. The Great Arena of Women's Sports
Charge seven marched directly into America's favorite modern political colosseum:
Transgender participation in women's sports.
Trumpius had already issued an executive decree restricting transgender women and girls from female sports categories.
Republicans sought to codify the policy.
Democrats blocked those efforts.
The Palace condensed an extraordinarily complicated cultural, medical and legal debate into one wonderfully campaign-friendly sentence:
“We protect women. They protect ideology.”
Trumpius nodded approvingly.
A slogan had been born.
Several policy experts quietly packed their belongings and left.
VIII. Medicaidus and the Children
The eighth accusation concerned federal Medicaid funding for gender-affirming treatment involving minors.
More than 200 Democrats, according to the Imperial indictment, opposed legislation restricting such federal funding.
Trumpius presented this as proof of radical Democratic priorities.
Democrats would obviously characterize the legislation — and their opposition — very differently.
But the Imperium Trumpianum operates according to one ancient political law:
He who shouts “COMMON SENSE!” first receives the larger headline.
The rule has survived several civilizations and most cable-news panels.
IX. Lex Laken Riley
The ninth charge was more serious.
The Imperial proclamation invoked the murder of nursing student Laken Riley and the federal law bearing her name, which expanded detention requirements involving certain undocumented immigrants accused or convicted of specified crimes.
Nearly 200 House Democrats had opposed the legislation.
The Palace transformed this legislative disagreement into the much broader accusation that Democrats preferred protecting violent illegal immigrants over protecting Americans.
Subtle?
No.
Effective campaign rhetoric?
Absolutely.
Trumpius summarized the matter with characteristic delicacy:
“We protect Americans. They protect criminals.”
Nuance attempted to object.
Nuance was deported from the press room.
X. When the Imperium Closes for Business
Finally came the government shutdowns.
Not one.
TWO.
The Imperial Court blamed Democratic obstruction for unprecedented shutdowns, claiming their political maneuvering had cost the American economy billions of dollars while threatening essential services.
The Palace accused Democrats of repeatedly refusing funding deals while pursuing healthcare benefits for illegal immigrants and cuts involving the Department of Homeland Security.
The complexities of congressional appropriations could have required approximately 400 pages.
Trumpius needed four words:
“Democrats shut down America.”
Perfect.
Print the banners.
The Emperor Delivers His Verdict
Having reached ten, Trumpius rose from his golden throne.
Behind him fluttered approximately 47 American flags.
Perhaps 48.
Nobody could see the final one because it was hidden behind another American flag.
The Emperor surveyed his court.
This, the Imperial proclamation declared, was no longer the Democratic Party of America's grandparents.
The modern Democrati had become radical, socialist, soft on crime, weak on borders, hostile to election security and dangerously enthusiastic about government spending whenever Trumpius did not personally approve the expenditure.
Opposite them stood the glorious Factio Republicana Trumpiana.
Families.
Workers.
Borders.
Security.
Prosperity.
Common Sense.
And extremely large capital letters.
Thus ended the reading of the Ten Democratic Sins.
Trumpets sounded.
The marble tablets were carried into the Imperial Archives.
Trumpius Caesar departed beneath the golden eagles, satisfied that the complicated political landscape of the United States had finally been reduced to its purest possible form:
On one side stood Trumpius.
On the other stood the Democrati.
And somewhere between them stood several hundred million Americans wondering whether Congress might occasionally consider governing.
