From the White Marble Palace of Washingtonia came a message to the Empire for Rosh Hashanah so solemn and magnificent that even the golden imperial eagles reportedly stopped flapping their wings for several seconds out of respect.
Imperator Donaldus Trumpius Caesar Maximus, accompanied by his elegant imperial consort Melania Imperatrix Elegantissima, extended his warmest greetings to Jewish communities throughout the Empire and across the world as they celebrated Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year.
Trumpius reminded his subjects that Jewish tradition connects Rosh Hashanah with the creation of Adam and Eve and the beginning of human history.
An extraordinary historical period that, according to recently verified imperial records, apparently began several thousand years before the construction of Trumpius Tower.
Palace historians have reluctantly confirmed this astonishing fact.
“There was history before me,” Trumpius reportedly observed after receiving the briefing. “Very surprising. Tremendous amount of history, actually. But probably all preparation.”
Two Days of Reflection — Even in the Empire
Rosh Hashanah begins the High Holy Days, a solemn period of prayer, repentance, reflection, and spiritual renewal leading toward Yom Kippur.
The Emperor was said to be particularly fascinated by the concept of examining one’s own mistakes.
It was, palace officials admitted, a somewhat unfamiliar administrative procedure.
The Imperial Department of Retrospectively Perfect Decisions immediately issued a clarification:
“His Majesty does not make mistakes. Occasionally, reality makes decisions without first obtaining proper imperial authorization.”
Nevertheless, Trumpius Caesar enthusiastically endorsed the concept of spiritual renewal.
Especially, naturally, a historic spiritual renewal.
Possibly the greatest spiritual renewal ever recorded.
“Nobody renews faith better than we do,” the Emperor might have added had the original proclamation contained another paragraph.
Standing Against Antisemitism
Far more seriously, Trumpius reaffirmed his administration’s commitment to confronting antisemitism and protecting religious liberty.
The Empire, he declared, would defend Jewish life and the sacred right of every citizen to practice their faith freely.
Because while Trumpius can normally insert three superlatives, two references to historic greatness, and at least one reminder of his electoral achievements into almost any subject, some matters deserve something more important than imperial spectacle.
Religious freedom is one of them.
Protecting people from hatred and persecution is another.
The newly established Imperial Ministry of Faith, Freedom and Extremely Important Proclamations therefore confirmed that every citizen must be free to practice their religion — whether in synagogues, churches, mosques, or other houses of worship.
Preferably without requiring approval from the Imperial Office of Tremendousness.
The Book of Life
Trumpius Caesar concluded his message by wishing Jewish communities everywhere a happy, healthy, peaceful, and sweet New Year.
And, appropriately, the traditional hope was included:
May you be inscribed in the Book of Life.
This reportedly caused several minutes of administrative confusion inside the White Marble Palace.
Nobody had informed the Emperor beforehand that the Book of Life was not a ranking based on television ratings, property values, crowd sizes, social media statistics, or the number of gold-plated rooms owned by the applicant.
Trumpius therefore reportedly asked whether his own name had already been entered.
Preferably in very large letters.
Near the top.
Possibly in gold.
The Imperial Secretariat carefully explained that decisions regarding the Book of Life were handled by a considerably higher authority.
Trumpius stared at his advisers.
“A higher authority?”
For the first time in many years, according to palace observers, absolute silence descended upon Washingtonia.
Shana Tova.
