On the seventh day of Septembrius, throughout the magnificent lands of the American Empire, Imperator Donaldus J. Trumpius Caesar Maximus, First of His Name, Protector of the Factory Floor, Defender of the Paycheck, Lord of the Tariffs, and Supreme Commander of the Golden Lunch Break, issued a proclamation of historic proportions:
It was Labor Day.
A sacred day upon which America honors the men and women who spend the other 364 days actually keeping the place running.
From the mighty construction worker raising towers toward the heavens to the mechanic keeping the imperial pickup truck alive, from the welder forging steel to the programmer desperately restarting a server at 3:17 in the morning, Trumpius praised them all.
“The American worker built our cities!” proclaimed Caesar from the marble balcony of the Forum Laboris Americanum.
“They created our industries! They carried American craftsmanship across the entire world!”
The senators applauded.
The trumpets sounded.
Somewhere in Ohio, a machinist checked his watch and wondered whether any of this counted as overtime.
The Greatest Tax Scroll Ever Written
Trumpius then reminded the Empire of one of his greatest treasures: the magnificent Lex Familiae Laborantis Tributorum Maxima, known among ordinary mortals as the Working Families Tax Cuts Act.
According to the imperial proclamation, the law made the greatest tax cuts in American history permanent and increased take-home pay for millions of hardworking families.
Small-business owners were also granted a particularly shiny imperial blessing: the permanent ability to deduct 20 percent of qualified business income.
Trumpius raised his golden quill toward the heavens.
“Twenty percent!” cried the Imperator.
The crowd roared.
Nobody knew whether they were supposed to calculate something, but twenty percent sounded excellent.
Across the Empire, accountants immediately opened spreadsheets in ceremonial silence.
The Factories Return From Exile
Then came the darkest chapter of the imperial tale:
Foreign Trade Barbaricum.
For decades, according to Trumpius, previous rulers had allowed America's industrial greatness to wander overseas like a confused Roman legion that had taken the wrong exit somewhere near China.
Factories disappeared.
Jobs departed.
Industrial power weakened.
But then Trumpius returned.
And, according to the imperial scroll, the factories suddenly remembered where America was.
Companies began investing trillions of dollars into the United States, more than 900,000 American jobs were added, and manufacturing expanded for six consecutive months.
New automobile plants were rising across the land.
Steel was being forged.
Machines were humming.
Hard hats were shining magnificently beneath the American sun.
And naturally, there was only one possible explanation:
Tariffae Protectoriae Trumpianae.
The mighty protective tariffs of Trumpius.
These tariffs, Caesar proclaimed, shielded American workers from unfair foreign competition and kept American jobs safely upon American soil.
Exactly who ultimately absorbs the economic cost of tariffs was not discussed during the ceremony.
Such questions are traditionally stored deep inside the imperial basement under a marble plaque reading:
“Details That Interrupt Excellent Speeches.”
H-1B Barbaricum Approaches the Gate
Trumpius then turned his imperial gaze toward another battlefield: foreign labor.
The administration proposed a new fee on H-1B Visa Barbarica, designed to encourage companies to invest in qualified American workers before searching overseas.
The imperial philosophy could be summarized with majestic simplicity:
Hire Americanus Firstus.
Human-resources departments across the Empire immediately entered the ancient Roman state of administrative enlightenment known as:
“Wait… how much is the new fee?”
Recruiters consulted lawyers.
Lawyers consulted regulations.
Executives consulted PowerPoint.
And somewhere, an IT department quietly asked whether anyone had considered the fact that they still needed twelve cybersecurity engineers by Monday.
Behold the Golden Age of the American Workbench
Trumpius Caesar declared that America was entering a bold new age of manufacturing, technological innovation, and economic prosperity.
Factories would rise.
Automobiles would roll from assembly lines.
Technology would advance.
Businesses would invest.
Workers would build.
And Trumpius would stand magnificently before all of it, pointing toward the horizon as though he had personally installed every conveyor belt.
For this is the eternal economic structure of the Imperium Trumpianum:
The worker builds the factory.
The engineer designs the machine.
The mechanic keeps it running.
The entrepreneur pays the invoices.
And Trumpius cuts the ribbon.
The Imperial Decree
Finally, Donaldus J. Trumpius Caesar Maximus lifted the sacred golden proclamation before the assembled citizens.
By the authority granted to him through the Constitution, the laws of the United States, and approximately seventeen invisible Roman eagles hovering majestically above the White House, he proclaimed:
September 7, 2026 shall be Labor Day.
Public officials and citizens throughout the Empire were called upon to honor America's workers with appropriate ceremonies, programs, and activities.
There would be speeches.
There would be flags.
There would be parades.
There would almost certainly be grills.
And, if the gods of corporate scheduling showed mercy, there would be absolutely no emails marked URGENT.
Thus was the decree written on the fourth day of Septembrius, in the Year of Our Lord Two Thousand Twenty-Six and the 251st year of American independence.
Signed beneath the golden eagle:
DONALDUS J. TRUMPIUS CAESAR MAXIMUS
Imperator Laboris,
Protector Manufacturae,
Dominus Tariffarum,
Defender of the American Paycheck,
and Eternal Chairman of the Most Magnificent Workbench in Human History.
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Labor Day According to Trumpius Caesar
