It was another glorious morning in the Eternal Empire as millions gathered before the magical mirrors of Foxius & Friendsius, where the magnificent Emperor Trumpius Caesar Maximus Aurelius delivered what palace historians immediately described as "the greatest strategic briefing since Julius invented confidence."
Standing beneath banners made almost entirely of gold, Trumpius announced that the Empire remains stronger than ever and that the Kingdom of Iranicus Persidia continues to experience what he proudly calls "Maximum Imperial Pressure."
Naturally, nobody questioned what that meant.
Mostly because nobody got the chance.
Negotiations the Imperial Way
Trumpius explained that negotiations with the Persian court are extraordinarily simple.
According to the Emperor, every diplomatic meeting sounds something like this:
Trumpius:
"We're talking about nuclear weapons."
Persians:
"We're not talking."
Trumpius:
"Yes, we are."
Persians:
"No."
Trumpius:
"Yes."
Persians:
"No."
Trumpius:
"I win."
Imperial scholars have already added this negotiating method to the Academy curriculum under the title:
Diplomatia Persicus Confusio Maxima.
Mount Pickaxius Is Never Out of Sight
The Emperor then revealed that the mighty Space Force Maxima Imperialis possesses celestial cameras so powerful they can allegedly count grains of desert sand before breakfast.
Nothing escapes Imperial surveillance.
Especially Mount Pickaxius Magnificus, which has apparently become the most famous mountain on Earth.
Trumpius proudly declared:
"We know exactly what's happening."
Everywhere.
Always.
Sometimes even before it happens.
Bibius Announces Too Much
One amusing moment arrived when Trumpius mentioned Bibius Netanyahus Maximus.
The Emperor appeared genuinely puzzled.
"Why tell the whole world?"
he wondered.
"You could simply tell me."
Apparently, Imperial secrecy works best when every secret is shared exclusively with the Emperor.
The Legendary Imperial Ultimatum
Trumpius then unveiled one of his favorite diplomatic tools:
The Imperial Ultimatum.
Its structure remains refreshingly uncomplicated.
Step One:
Make a deal.
Step Two:
If there is no deal...
remove the mountain.
Should additional mountains become inconvenient, those may also experience a sudden shortage of existence.
Efficiency is a cornerstone of Imperial government.
The Great Bridge Speech
Then came what engineers immediately called the most terrifying infrastructure presentation in recorded history.
Trumpius explained that bridges are highly overrated.
His calculations were impressive:
Building a bridge:
Ten years.
Destroying a bridge:
Less than an hour.
Power plants?
Even easier.
One day.
Done.
Millions without electricity?
According to Trumpius:
"A delicate balance."
The Imperial Dictionary recently updated the definition of delicate balance to read:
"Something we could absolutely do but would rather continue mentioning every five minutes."
Two Schools of Imperial Thought
According to Trumpius, even inside the Empire there are different opinions.
One faction wants total destruction.
Another prefers negotiations.
Trumpius brilliantly positioned himself between both camps.
His policy can be summarized as:
"We should absolutely make a deal.
But if we don't...
we'll finish everything."
Political scientists have already named this doctrine:
Diplomacy With Extremely Large Hammers.
The Strait of Hormuzimus Now Belongs to the Empire
Then came the announcement palace artists immediately carved into marble.
Trumpius declared that the Strait of Hormuzimus is effectively under complete Imperial control.
Not Persia.
Not international shipping.
Not geography.
The Empire.
Ships may pass...
if Trumpius approves.
Otherwise...
they may enjoy waiting.
The Imperial Navy reportedly refers to this policy as:
Selective Freedom of Navigation.
The Greatest Blockade in History
According to Trumpius, the blockade is nearly perfect.
Nothing passes.
Except ships allowed to pass.
Some attempted to cross.
The Empire briefly opened the blockade.
Then immediately closed it again.
Because, according to Trumpius, Persia broke the agreement.
Imperial logistics experts now compare the blockade to a palace garage door:
Open.
Closed.
Open.
Closed.
Entirely depending on the Emperor's mood.
Everyone Before Me Was Wrong
Naturally, no Imperial speech is complete without reviewing history.
Trumpius explained that previous rulers spent decades doing absolutely nothing.
Special recognition went to Obamus Pecuniarius Pacificus, who allegedly believed friendship could simply be purchased with enormous treasure chests.
Trumpius, by contrast, insists that strength, confidence, and extremely large fleets produce much better results.
At least according to the Imperial Palace newsletter.
The Grand Imperial Finale
As another magnificent address concluded, Trumpius Caesar stood proudly before a golden world map.
According to Imperial records, he now controls:
The seas.
The mountains.
The satellites.
The bridges.
The negotiations.
Possibly gravity.
Court historians continue writing volume after volume of The Chronicles of Unlimited Greatness, carefully documenting every glorious proclamation.
Whether reality fully agrees remains a question for future archaeologists.
For now, however, the Empire sleeps peacefully, knowing that somewhere inside the Golden Palace, Trumpius Caesar is already planning tomorrow's announcement that the moon has requested membership in the Empire.
