And so it came to pass in the glorious Imperium Americanum that His Most Economically Magnificent Majesty, Imperator Donaldus Trumpius Caesar Maximus, Conqueror of Trade Deficits, Inventor of Economic Sunshine, Supreme Protector of American Screws, and Personal Savior of Every Rusty Factory in the Republic, announced a discovery of truly biblical proportions:
AMERICA IS MANUFACTURING AGAIN! AND IT IS ALL BECAUSE TRUMPIUS EXISTS!
A revelation so extraordinary that factory smokestacks across the Empire spontaneously saluted Washingtonium, steel furnaces erupted in patriotic applause, and a lonely blast furnace in Pennsylvania reportedly wept molten gold.
The venerable Consilium Economicum Adulatorum, the Imperial Council of Economic Flatterers, had conducted an exhaustive investigation.
Its findings were breathtaking.
Since Trumpius ascended the golden throne, everything had become magnificent. Before Trumpius, everything had been terrible. And should anything terrible happen in the future, it would obviously be the fault of his predecessor.
Such was the beauty of imperial economics.
The Miraculous Return of the Missing American Jobs
During the dark and depressing reign of Josephus Bidenius Obliviosus, American manufacturing jobs had allegedly fled to every corner of the planet.
Some escaped to Asia. Others disappeared into Mexico. A few presumably hid inside foreign industrial parks, desperately hoping never to attend another American political press conference.
But then came Trumpius!
Armed with his Golden Tariff Club, an indestructible ego, and a hairstyle capable of surviving industrial-strength hurricanes, the Emperor commanded the missing jobs to return immediately.
"COME BACK, YOU BEAUTIFUL AMERICAN JOBS! YOUR FAVORITE EMPEROR IS WAITING! NOBODY LOVES JOBS MORE THAN ME!"
And behold!
Factories awakened. Machines began singing patriotic hymns. Somewhere in Ohio, a precision lathe reportedly switched itself on and began manufacturing a golden statue of its imperial savior.
The Imperial Economic Council presented magnificent charts to document the miracle.
Red bars pointed upward.
Blue bars represented the tragic, miserable, deeply unfortunate pre-Trumpian past.
Trumpius was overwhelmed with admiration.
"LOOK AT THOSE BEAUTIFUL RED BARS! NOBODY HAS EVER HAD BETTER BARS! MY BARS ARE HUGE! THE BIGGEST BARS IN THE HISTORY OF BARS!"
The court applauded.
The economists nodded.
And a confused accountant quietly wondered whether the Empire had just invented statistical worship.
Tariffs: The Magical Tax That Nobody Apparently Pays
His Imperial Majesty reserved particular affection for his revolutionary tariff policies.
Ordinary economists waste their miserable lives debating who ultimately pays tariffs, how import prices change, and what happens to international supply chains.
Trumpius had already solved the entire problem.
"FOREIGNERS PAY THE TARIFFS! ALWAYS! EVEN WHEN AMERICANS RECEIVE THE BILL! IT'S INCREDIBLE!"
The imperial logic was flawless.
Anyone wishing to sell products in America must pay tribute.
Anyone refusing to sell products in America must also pay tribute for depriving the Emperor of a potentially beautiful commercial relationship.
And anyone manufacturing products inside America must immediately acknowledge that the Emperor personally invented industrial production.
The great universities of the Empire were therefore instructed to teach a revolutionary economic doctrine known as Trumponomics Miraculosus.
Its central formula was elegantly simple:
Tariffs + Trumpius = Prosperity.
If the formula failed to match reality, the formula was obviously correct.
Reality would simply have to be replaced.
Steel, Oil, and the Holy Resurrection of the Blast Furnace
The Emperor devoted special attention to American steel.
For Trumpius, steel was not merely a construction material.
STEEL WAS PATRIOTISM IN SOLID FORM!
Every steel beam represented the backbone of the Republic. Every bolt symbolized national greatness. Every blast furnace became a sacred volcano of imperial resurrection.
"UNDER BIDENIUS, OUR STEEL WAS SAD!" declared Trumpius. "VERY SAD! I SPOKE TO STEEL WORKERS. I SPOKE TO THE STEEL ITSELF! THE STEEL WAS CRYING! NOW IT'S HAPPY! INCREDIBLY HAPPY!"
American energy production was similarly elevated to the status of a divine achievement.
Oil flowed.
Natural gas surged.
Drilling rigs stretched toward heaven as though desperately attempting to kiss the Emperor's golden sandals.
Trumpius promptly ordered all American oil fields to be renamed Fontes Aurei Trumpiani — the Golden Fountains of Trumpius.
The inconvenient historical fact that American companies had been producing oil and natural gas long before his imperial reign was officially classified as a dangerous misunderstanding.
The Ministry of Historical Corrections immediately began reviewing all textbooks.
The Workers Become Rich — Especially in the Charts
The Imperial Council also reported magnificent developments for American workers.
Wages were rising. Employment opportunities were expanding. Factories were growing.
Trumpius immediately understood the deeper significance.
"THE WORKERS LOVE ME! THE MACHINES LOVE ME! EVEN THE UNIONS WOULD LOVE ME IF THEY UNDERSTOOD HOW INCREDIBLY AMAZING I AM!"
Particularly exciting was the reported increase in overtime.
A worker who worked longer was obviously contributing more to imperial greatness.
And a worker who spent so much time working that he had no opportunity to watch political news was, from the imperial perspective, twice as valuable.
The Palace therefore proposed a prestigious new decoration:
Ordo Laboris Trumpiani — the Golden Order of the Exhausted Patriot.
It would honor workers who devoted so many hours to the Empire that they encountered their Emperor only through deductions on their paychecks.
"THEY'RE WORKING MORE BECAUSE THEY LOVE ME!" proclaimed Trumpius.
An adviser cautiously suggested that workers might also appreciate higher incomes.
The adviser was immediately reassigned to the Imperial Department of Unnecessary Explanations.
The New Golden Age — Now Featuring Semiconductors
The climax of the imperial economic celebration was the announcement of an unprecedented technological renaissance.
America would dominate semiconductors, aircraft, computers, machinery, aerospace technology, and every other industry sufficiently complicated to make Trumpius sound particularly impressive during a press conference.
"WE WILL MAKE THE BEST CHIPS!" thundered the Emperor.
A nervous official attempted to explain that the announcement concerned electronic semiconductors.
Unfortunately, Trumpius had already signed an executive decree requiring American potato chips to become larger, crispier, and considerably more patriotic.
"BIG BEAUTIFUL AMERICAN CHIPS! NO MORE WEAK FOREIGN CHIPS! OUR CHIPS WILL BE THE CRISPIEST CHIPS ANYONE HAS EVER SEEN!"
The Imperial Council applauded.
Wall Street trembled.
And somewhere in Silicon Valley, a bewildered engineer wondered whether a microprocessor could operate on ketchup.
Meanwhile, the Emperor triumphantly announced that American aircraft would become more American, American computers would become more computational, and American machinery would become considerably more mechanical.
The Council described this as visionary leadership.
The Emperor described it as modesty.
The Imperial Proclamation of Eternal Economic Greatness
At the conclusion of the magnificent economic ceremony, Trumpius Caesar rose from his golden throne, adjusted his imperial robes, and addressed the assembled court.
"I HAVE MADE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN! I SAVED THE FACTORIES! I MADE THE WORKERS RICH! I STRENGTHENED THE STEEL! I ENERGIZED THE ENERGY! NOBODY HAS EVER ENERGIZED ENERGY LIKE ME!"
The imperial historians recorded every word.
The economic advisers nodded reverently.
The factories continued manufacturing.
And the Empire celebrated the dawn of a glorious Golden Age in which every factory was a monument, every job was a miracle, and every upward-pointing red bar was a personal love letter to the Emperor.
For in the Empire of Trumpius Caesar, economic success is no longer measured by how much a nation produces, but by how often the Emperor claims to have personally manufactured it.
And should the economy ever collapse, the Imperial Economic Council will undoubtedly prove that it was merely the greatest downward economic expansion in the history of civilization.
AVE TRUMPIUS! THE EMPEROR IS ALWAYS RIGHT — AND IF THE NUMBERS DISAGREE, THE NUMBERS ARE FIRED!
