WASHINGTONIUM, IMPERIUM AMERICANUM — Citizens of the greatest, most magnificent, most tremendously successful empire in the history of civilization!
A discovery of absolutely historic proportions has shaken the marble foundations of the imperial government: The American economy might actually grow faster if the government stopped making people wait forever for permission to build things.
Incredible! Revolutionary! Possibly the greatest discovery since Emperor Trumpius invented winning!
This extraordinary revelation did not come from some second-rate philosopher wearing sandals and questioning authority. Absolutely not!
It came directly from the sacred chambers of the Consilium Oeconomicum Trumpianum, the Imperial Council of Economic Advisers, whose members are widely regarded as brilliant because they have the tremendous privilege of advising the most brilliant ruler who has ever lived.
His Supreme and Magnificent Majesty, Donaldus Trumpius Caesar Maximus, Emperor of All Permits, Destroyer of Bureaucracy, Supreme Commander of Golden Construction Cranes, and Eternal Champion of Tremendous Economic Growth, immediately ordered the findings engraved upon enormous golden tablets.
"Nobody understands permits better than me! NOBODY! Some people say you have to wait before you build something. RIDICULOUS! I've built buildings before other people even knew buildings existed! Huge buildings! Beautiful buildings! The greatest buildings! Even the ancient Romans would be jealous. And believe me, I am practically the greatest Roman who ever lived!"
The imperial senators applauded.
One senator applauded so enthusiastically that he accidentally approved a construction permit.
He was immediately investigated.
The Incredible Discovery: Paperwork Doesn't Build Bridges!
For generations, the mighty Imperium Americanum had suffered under a terrifying enemy.
Not foreign armies.
Not barbarian invasions.
Not even the dreaded inflationary dragons of the Federal Reserve.
No!
The greatest threat to imperial prosperity was the monstrous Bureaucratia Maxima, a terrifying administrative creature with seventeen arms, forty-seven rubber stamps, and an insatiable appetite for paperwork.
Its favorite activity was accepting applications, reviewing applications, requesting additional applications, and then asking whether the applicant had obtained official permission to submit the original application.
Particularly feared throughout the empire was the legendary NEPA-Saurus, an ancient environmental-review monster that devoured infrastructure projects while producing mountains of beautifully organized documents.
Want to build a power line?
Environmental review!
Want to construct a railroad?
Bigger environmental review!
Want to expand an industrial facility?
Congratulations! Your application has been forwarded to the Imperial Department of Extremely Important Questions About Potentially Concerned Frogs.
The imperial economists discovered that major environmental impact statements averaged approximately 1,700 pages, including appendices, and had taken around 4.2 years to complete.
Trumpius Caesar was outraged.
"FOUR YEARS! FOUR YEARS! In four years I could build seven wonders of the world, win three Nobel Peace Prizes, negotiate twelve tremendous trade deals, and probably discover another continent! But these people are writing a seventeen-hundred-page book about a FROG! A FROG! Probably a Democrat frog! A very radical, very unhappy frog!"
His Majesty immediately proclaimed the sacred imperial principle:
PAPYRUS NON AEDIFICAT!
Paperwork does not build anything!
Unless, of course, it is paperwork announcing one of his tremendous achievements.
That paperwork, naturally, is essential.
The Imperial Economic Miracle: Turning Waiting Time into Gold
The Imperial Council had calculated something truly spectacular.
If major environmental reviews were shortened to two years under the proposed Bipartisan American Affordability and Jobs Act, America's long-term annual economic output could rise by approximately $82 billion to $164 billion.
The same economic projections suggested higher real wages, increased tax revenue, and lower household electricity bills.
Trumpius Caesar immediately recognized the significance.
"We have discovered something NOBODY has ever discovered before! If government takes less time, things happen faster! Incredible! I've known this my entire life. Even as a baby, I was extremely productive. Probably the most economically successful baby in history. People came up to my crib with tears in their eyes and said, 'Sir, we've never seen a baby with such tremendous economic instincts!'"
His Imperial Treasury Minister, Aurelius Pecunius Profitus, ordered thousands of golden calculators distributed throughout the capital.
From that moment forward, imperial prosperity would no longer be measured merely in dollars.
It would be measured in Tremendous Units of Historic Greatness.
Even more astonishing were the projections for reducing major review periods to just one year.
Under that scenario, the imperial economists estimated that long-term annual economic output could increase by as much as $243 billion.
The Emperor nearly fell off his golden throne.
"THINK ABOUT IT! The less we wait, the richer we become! If we eliminate waiting completely, we might become INFINITELY RICH! Nobody has ever thought of this before! I'm going to investigate whether permits can be approved retroactively. Maybe we can make the economy grow YESTERDAY!"
The imperial mathematicians exchanged worried glances.
Unfortunately, nobody had yet developed an economic model capable of calculating the interest rate on time travel.
The Senate of Eternal Delays Strikes Back
Naturally, not everyone welcomed the glorious revolution.
Inside the Imperial Senate, members of the infamous Fractio Formularia gathered to defend the ancient and sacred institution of administrative delay.
Senator Quintus Paragraphus Maximus, Supreme Guardian of the Triple Rubber Stamp, issued a grave warning.
"If infrastructure projects are approved before we've completed seventeen separate administrative reviews, how will future generations know that we were working?"
His distinguished colleague, Publius Del ayus Eternus, expressed an even more terrifying concern.
"Faster permits could cause approved projects to actually get built!"
The chamber fell silent.
Such recklessness was almost unimaginable.
For centuries, the imperial bureaucracy had perfected the delicate art of creating the appearance of progress without risking the danger of actual completion.
Now the Emperor threatened to destroy this magnificent tradition.
Trumpius Caesar responded with his characteristic diplomatic elegance.
"These people LOVE paperwork more than America! They would demand a permit before you could APPLY for a permit! Weak people! Very sad people! We're going to approve things so fast that the rubber stamps will start SMOKING!"
The senators immediately demanded an environmental impact assessment concerning the smoke.
Electricity for the People! Golden Chandeliers for the Emperor!
The Emperor was particularly excited about the projected reduction in electricity costs.
According to the imperial research, shorter environmental-review periods could eventually save the average American household approximately $178 to $251 per year on electricity bills under the two-year scenario.
Trumpius Caesar interpreted this as personal victory over the laws of physics.
"Under my leadership, electricity will become so affordable that Americans will leave their refrigerators OPEN! Tremendous! Maybe people will get PAID to turn on their lights! We have the best electricity. Nobody has electricity like ours! Even Jupiter would buy his lightning bolts from America!"
Imperial Energy Minister Lucius Voltus Maximus immediately proposed illuminating every triumphal arch in Washingtonium with enormous golden chandeliers.
Each chandelier would require enough power to illuminate a small provincial city.
When a nervous adviser asked whether this might undermine the projected electricity savings, the minister smiled confidently.
"Imperial lighting is not an expense. It is an investment in the magnificent visibility of imperial greatness."
The Emperor nodded approvingly.
Finally, somebody understood economics.
The Terrible Problem with the Future
Unfortunately, the imperial research contained one extremely inconvenient detail.
The promised economic benefits would not arrive immediately.
According to the underlying economic model, substantial output gains might not begin appearing for roughly three years. Most of the long-term economic benefits would take considerably longer to materialize.
Trumpius Caesar was furious.
"THREE YEARS? THREE YEARS? I just announced we're eliminating waiting! Who wrote this study? The opposition? The radical left? Some extremely unsuccessful economist who hates beautiful buildings?"
Chief Imperial Economist Professor Calculus Prognosticus cautiously explained that even projects receiving faster permits would still require construction, investment, and time before producing economic value.
The Emperor considered this unacceptable.
Then, suddenly, his expression brightened.
"I HAVE THE SOLUTION! We'll announce the economic victory IMMEDIATELY, and the actual economy can catch up later! Tremendous strategy! I've been doing this for years!"
The assembled advisers nodded respectfully.
The imperial scribes recorded the new economic doctrine:
First declare victory. Then allow reality sufficient time to agree.
It was instantly hailed as the most innovative economic theory since somebody discovered that printing more money made the printing machines work harder.
Mother Nature Files an Official Complaint
Meanwhile, the ancient environmental goddess Terra Mater Protectiva appeared before the imperial court.
She respectfully reminded the Emperor that environmental reviews were originally established to assess potential consequences for human health, wildlife, ecosystems, and landscapes.
Not simply to annoy wealthy construction magnates.
Trumpius Caesar responded with characteristic compassion.
"I LOVE the environment! Nobody loves the environment more than me! I've seen beautiful trees. Incredible trees! Some of the tallest trees. Trees with tremendous branches! But why do we need a seventeen-hundred-page book about a tree? THE TREE CAN'T EVEN READ!"
The imperial ceremonial adviser, Marcus Simplificatus Grandiosus, immediately proposed replacing lengthy environmental assessments with a single golden document.
The document would contain one question:
"Is this project tremendous?"
There would be two possible answers.
"YES."
And:
"INCREDIBLY TREMENDOUS."
The proposal received a standing ovation.
It was then referred to a special parliamentary committee for further consideration.
No completion date was announced.
The Greatest Victory in the History of Victories
At sunset, Trumpius Caesar stepped onto the magnificent balcony of the Golden White Colosseum.
His golden hair glowed in the imperial sunshine.
His golden pen glittered.
His golden construction helmet rested upon a marble pedestal.
Thousands of cheering citizens assembled below.
The Emperor raised both arms and proclaimed:
"WE WILL BUILD! WE WILL INVEST! WE WILL HAVE THE FASTEST PERMITS IN THE WORLD! So fast, the bureaucrats won't even have time to BE bureaucrats! Nobody has ever defeated paperwork like I have! Julius Caesar conquered Gaul. I CONQUERED THE APPLICATION FORM!"
The crowd erupted.
The senators trembled.
The construction companies celebrated.
The paper industry immediately requested an emergency imperial subsidy.
And somewhere deep beneath the Imperial Ministry of Administrative Procedures, a lonely government official sat behind a mountain of dusty folders.
He carefully read the Emperor's new directive ordering the immediate acceleration of all permitting procedures.
He scratched his chin.
Adjusted his spectacles.
And reached for a fresh application form.
Its title read:
"Official Application for Authorization to Establish an Accelerated Permit Authorization Procedure."
The official smiled contentedly.
At last.
A proper administrative process.
AVE TRUMPIUS CAESAR! IMPERATOR MAXIMUS!
May his roads be wide, his monuments golden, his electricity tremendous, and his permits faster than his victory announcements!
And may the Imperial Bureaucracy never discover that the Emperor's greatest achievement still requires a signature.
Preferably in triplicate.
