Washingtonium, capital of the Imperium Americanum.
Some presidents sign budgets.
Some presidents negotiate treaties.
And then there is Imperator Donaldus Trumpius Maximus Caesar, Conqueror of Cartography, Supreme Pontiff of Permanent Markers, and Protector of Every Natural Landmark That Has Not Yet Been Properly Branded.
On August 27 in the glorious year 2026, Trumpius raised the golden imperial pen and discovered a deeply troubling fact:
Lake Ontario was still called Lake Ontario.
Unacceptable.
Potentially un-American.
Possibly even Canadian.
After what must have been an extraordinarily intense session with maps, charts, and at least one very confident finger pointing at blue areas, the Emperor reached a historic conclusion:
America does more for this lake than Canada does.
Therefore, according to the majestic logic of Trumpius Caesar, the lake should obviously be called America.
By this standard, any suburban dad who cleans the family swimming pool more often than everyone else may now legally rename it after himself.
“Welcome to Lake Gary. I bought the chlorine.”
But Trumpius does not think small.
Trumpius thinks continental.
Nine Icebreakers Beat One Atlas
The centerpiece of the imperial argument is perhaps the most powerful geopolitical statistic ever deployed against a body of freshwater:
There are eleven icebreaking vessels serving the Great Lakes.
The United States provides nine of them.
Nine.
That is not merely icebreaking.
That is, apparently, name-breaking.
According to the decree, America keeps shipping lanes open, protects commerce, invests billions in the Great Lakes ecosystem, and provides enormous support for recreation and economic activity.
Canada, by comparison, appears in the imperial telling mainly as the nation standing on the opposite shore enjoying all the benefits.
Very suspicious.
Trumpius Caesar therefore applies the ancient Roman-American principle:
He who breaks the ice gets to name the water.
Cartographers immediately began drinking.
The Trumpius Doctrine of Deep Water
Then comes the true masterpiece of imperial hydrology.
The deepest portions of the lake, the decree explains, lie within United States territory.
And because deeper water means more water, America can claim a very substantial share of the lake’s total volume.
This produces an entirely new branch of international law:
The Deep End Doctrine.
Under this principle, whoever controls the deeper half of the bathtub owns more bathtub.
Experts in hydrology, geography, and common sense were reportedly unavailable for comment because they were staring silently into the middle distance.
Canadian officials may now wish to inspect every lake along the border.
Shallow Canadian shorelines could become strategically dangerous.
America Used Boats There, Therefore History Has Spoken
The imperial decree also presents an extensive historical case.
Lake Ontario helped support American exploration.
American settlement.
American commerce.
American military logistics.
American shipbuilding.
American ports.
American industry.
Americans moved goods across it.
Americans fought near it.
Americans built things beside it.
At some point, Americans probably dropped sandwiches into it.
Case closed.
The lake has clearly been American all along.
It simply failed to update its paperwork.
The decree invokes places such as Oswegium, Portus Sackettus, and various glorious New York outposts that helped turn the waterway into a vital artery of trade and defense.
This is powerful historical evidence under the Trumpius system of geographic ownership:
If your ancestors once moved a barrel across it, congratulations.
You may have naming rights.
Iron Ore, Limestone, Coal — and Freedom
Trumpius Caesar becomes especially lyrical when discussing cargo.
Iron ore.
Limestone.
Coal.
Agricultural products.
Bulk commodities.
Nothing says majestic natural wonder quite like a barge full of crushed rock.
To ordinary mortals, Lake Ontario may be a lake.
To Trumpius, it is a gigantic blue conveyor belt carrying the raw ingredients of American greatness.
The water supports power plants.
It supplies drinking water.
It supports steel.
Manufacturing.
Agriculture.
Energy.
Commerce.
In short, this is not merely water.
This is working-class water.
Patriotic water.
Water with a résumé.
Somewhere, an American eagle is presumably drinking from the lake while a steel mill plays the national anthem.
The Great Bureaucratic Renaming Begins
Now comes the part where imperial glory meets federal paperwork.
Within 30 days, the Secretarius Interioris and the venerable Concilium Geographicum Nominum must begin the sacred task of changing Lake Ontario into:
LAKE AMERICA.
Maps must change.
Government databases must change.
Documents must change.
Contracts must change.
Agency communications must change.
Federal references must change.
Somewhere in Washington, a civil servant is probably opening a spreadsheet with 84,000 entries and whispering:
“Ave Trumpius.”
The Geographic Names Information System will be cleansed of the old designation.
Lake Ontario shall vanish from federal nomenclature.
The lake itself, presumably unaware of these developments, will continue being wet.
Canada May Continue Being Incorrect
There remains one minor complication.
Canada.
A significant portion of the lake borders Canada, including the province that has inconveniently carried the name Ontario for quite some time.
Washington can order American agencies to use “Lake America.”
It cannot, however, force Canadians to wake up one morning and declare:
“Thank goodness. We were tired of calling Ontario Ontario.”
Canada may therefore continue using the old name.
From the imperial perspective, this will presumably be treated not as disagreement but as temporary cartographic confusion.
Rome also encountered stubborn provinces.
Eventually they learned Latin.
Even the Printing Bill Is Imperial
No Trumpius decree would be complete without attention to the greatest question of governance:
Who pays to publish it?
The answer is the Department of the Interior.
Majestic.
Efficient.
Historic.
The Empire sleeps safely knowing that the lake has been renamed and the invoice has been assigned.
Thus concludes another chapter in the glorious geographic reign of Donaldus Trumpius Maximus Caesar.
Borders may be complicated.
History may be shared.
Water may flow internationally.
But names?
Names only require one thing:
a sufficiently confident emperor with a pen.
Lake Ontario is history.
Lake America is destiny.
At least on American federal maps.
And somewhere in the distance, Lake Superior is beginning to look very nervous.
