The marble halls of Trumpium have witnessed another historic moment.
Not tariffs.
Not walls.
Not a ceremony involving unusually large flags.
This time, Imperator Donaldus Trumpius Maximus Caesar has discovered the ocean.
More importantly, he has discovered that there are fish in it.
With the grand imperial decree known among ordinary mortals as “Restoring American Saltwater Angling and Recreation,” Trumpius Caesar has launched what may become the most glorious maritime campaign since Neptune first realized he needed a trident.
The mission is simple:
America must fish.
America must boat.
America must report its fish electronically.
And, above all, America must never again allow excessive paperwork to stand between a citizen and a suspiciously exaggerated fishing story.
The Imperial War on Paperwork
Trumpius has determined that fishermen have suffered under one of civilization’s darkest enemies:
forms.
Charter captains, boat owners, anglers, and outdoor businesses have apparently spent too much time navigating permits and too little time navigating the Atlantic.
The imperial solution is majestic.
Permits should last longer.
Renewals should become easier.
Agencies should share data.
And eventually, America shall possess a glorious One-Stop Permit Portal.
One portal.
One nation.
One password nobody remembers.
The vision is bold: instead of submitting the same information to several agencies, citizens may someday enter it once and then watch several agencies lose it simultaneously.
This is modernization.
Fishing Enters the App Era
Trumpius Caesar has also discovered another threat to American greatness:
mail-in fishing surveys.
Apparently, the mighty United States has been managing portions of its recreational fishing data using techniques involving envelopes.
Envelopes.
In the digital age.
This could not stand.
Under the new imperial vision, anglers may increasingly use mobile applications to report catch and effort information.
The modern American fisherman may soon land a fish and immediately complete the sacred digital ritual:
Species: probably snapper.
Length: magnificent.
Weight: classified.
Location: absolutely none of your business.
The data will then flow into a modern federal architecture where fishery managers can analyze catches, quotas, seasons, and other matters previously determined through science, statistics, and somebody eventually finding the correct spreadsheet.
Trumpius loves data.
Especially cutting-edge data.
Preferably data that arrives fast enough to declare victory before lunch.
Imperial Science Gets a Recount
The decree also examines federal fisheries data and questions whether existing measurements are always accurate enough.
If state data proves more reliable in certain cases, agencies may consider using it instead.
A sensible concept.
Therefore, naturally, it must be expressed through enough bureaucratic language to stun a blue whale.
The administration also wants advanced tagging, real-time reporting, pilot programs, and improved mortality estimates for catch-and-release fishing.
In other words, some fish may soon participate in more sophisticated data programs than many small American municipalities.
And unlike citizens, the fish will not be able to unsubscribe.
From Oil Platform to Luxury Fish Condominium
Then comes perhaps the most Trumpian part of the decree.
Old offshore oil and gas structures may, under certain conditions, be converted into artificial reefs.
This is magnificent.
Only Trumpius Caesar could transform industrial infrastructure into an underwater housing program and make it sound like the sea itself requested redevelopment.
Yesterday:
offshore structure.
Tomorrow:
premium grouper real estate.
Amenities include:
excellent currents,
open-plan steel architecture,
and breathtaking views of passing charter boats.
The fish will love it.
Probably.
Interestingly, offshore wind infrastructure is excluded from this particular program.
Even beneath the waves, apparently, imperial energy policy maintains a guest list.
The Sharks Have Been Put on Notice
Every great imperial decree requires an adversary.
This one has sharks.
And pinnipeds.
Yes, seals and sea lions have officially entered the administrative battlefield.
Trumpius wants action against increasing depredation—the deeply offensive practice in which a shark or marine mammal steals a fish that an angler believed already belonged to him.
For this crisis, the administration proposes an Interagency Shark and Pinniped Depredation Task Force.
A federal task force.
For seafood theft.
One can already imagine the briefing room.
A large screen displays the image of a shark.
Officials stare gravely.
One adviser points at Florida.
“Sir, another snapper has been intercepted.”
Trumpius leans forward.
“How bad?”
“Total loss, sir.”
“Was the shark authorized?”
“No, sir.”
“Unbelievable.”
Soon, such incidents may even be reported in real time.
Somewhere in Washington, a map could theoretically light up whenever a shark decides that an angler’s catch looks easier than hunting dinner personally.
Technology.
Security.
Fish.
The future has arrived.
Make America Fish Again
The larger imperial philosophy is clear.
America should have more fishing access.
More efficient permits.
Better data.
More artificial reefs.
More cooperation with states.
And fewer bureaucratic obstacles between citizens and the sea.
It is, in essence, an aquatic version of Trumpian governance:
streamline something,
digitize something,
rename something,
create a task force,
and declare the result historic.
Thus begins the reign of Trumpius Caesar Neptunus Maximus.
Lord of the Potomac.
Protector of Charter Captains.
Defender of Recreational Anglers.
Builder of Underwater Fish Palaces.
Enemy of Excessive Permitting.
And perhaps the first emperor in history to look upon the shark and declare:
“You, too, will be entered into the database.”
