From the Imperial Office of Oceans, Anglers, Boats and Other Extremely Important Aquatic Matters
Rome on the Potomac has spoken.
And this time, even the striped bass are expected to listen.
Imperator Donaldus Magnus Trumpius Caesar, First of His Name, Breaker of Bureaucracy, Admiral of Every Ocean and Supreme Protector of People Holding Fishing Rods, has issued another magnificent imperial decree.
America's saltwater shall be free again.
Free for boats.
Free for anglers.
Free for charter captains.
And, most importantly, free from the greatest marine predator known to mankind:
Federal paperwork.
For too long, according to the Imperial Palace, innocent Americans attempting to catch a fish have been forced to navigate regulations, permits, restrictions, forms, surveys and administrative rituals complicated enough to qualify as a minor Roman legal code.
Trumpius Caesar has therefore done what only Trumpius Caesar can do.
He has pointed dramatically toward the ocean and declared:
Let there be fishing.
The Great Liberation of the Fishing Rod
The Imperial Ministers of Commerce, Agriculture and the Interior have now been commanded to examine regulations that may excessively burden anglers, boaters, charter operators and outdoor businesses.
Rules may be suspended.
Rules may be revised.
Rules may even be cast into the bureaucratic abyss.
The new imperial philosophy is remarkably simple:
If a charter captain operated legally yesterday, perhaps he should not have to prove tomorrow that his boat remains, in fact, a boat.
Under the new order, compliant operators may receive multi-year permits with a general presumption of renewal.
This represents a revolutionary principle in Washington:
Sometimes a permit can last longer than the meeting held to discuss the permit.
The Fish Finally Gets an App
Trumpius Caesar has also discovered that parts of America's fisheries data collection system still rely on mail surveys.
Mail.
Paper.
Envelopes.
Possibly stamps.
The Imperial Court was reportedly stunned that America's mighty recreational fishermen were being monitored with technology approximately one evolutionary step above the carrier pigeon.
Therefore, catch reporting shall move toward mobile electronic systems.
The American angler will soon be able to catch a fish and immediately begin the sacred modern ritual:
Take out phone.
Open app.
Select species.
Enter size.
Confirm location.
Agree to terms and conditions.
Discover that fish has escaped.
Progress.
The order also calls for a five-year strategic plan integrating recreational economic data into seasonal quota decisions.
Because in the Empire of Trumpius, a fish is not merely a fish.
It is a marine economic unit.
Potential tourism.
Potential employment.
Potential GDP with fins.
Emergency: The Shark Stole My Dinner
Perhaps the most gloriously imperial innovation is the proposed real-time reporting system for depredation.
This refers to those unfortunate occasions when a shark, dolphin or other marine opportunist decides that your freshly caught fish should actually belong to him.
Soon, the American fisherman may be able to report this outrage electronically.
One imagines the interface:
What happened?
Shark stole fish.
Species of offender?
Large and extremely disrespectful.
Rate your experience.
One star.
Would you fish near this shark again?
Absolutely not.
Thus, even maritime theft may finally enter the digital age.
Operation More Fish
The decree also orders pilot programs aimed at rebuilding depleted stocks, including species such as Atlantic striped bass.
Federal projects funded through relevant trust funds are to be streamlined so that more resources directly support fish populations.
This is an extraordinary concept.
Money intended for fish may increasingly benefit actual fish.
Across Washington, several committees are believed to be deeply concerned by the precedent.
Yesterday's Oil Platform, Tomorrow's Fish Palace
One of the most spectacular elements of the Trumpius maritime vision involves decommissioned offshore oil and gas platforms.
Instead of simply removing everything, suitable structures may become artificial reefs under a new Federal Outer Continental Shelf Reef-in-Place Program.
In Imperial Trumpius real-estate terminology:
Former drilling platform.
Now luxury underwater condominium.
Excellent ocean views.
Private access.
Minutes from major tuna routes.
Perfect for young grouper families.
Even the Empire's Make America Beautiful Again Commission, known throughout the Palace as MABA, shall join the campaign through a new restoration coordination working group.
Its mission is to prevent federal agencies from all restoring the same piece of coastline simultaneously while forming seven committees to decide who restored it first.
Even Sharks Get Foreign Policy
The imperial decree also ventures into international shark fisheries.
The Secretaries of State, Commerce and the Interior, together with the United States Trade Representative, are ordered to address barriers affecting sustainable shark fisheries.
American diplomacy therefore gains a powerful new agenda.
Trade.
Security.
International alliances.
And sharks.
One can already imagine the summit communiqué:
“We discussed peace, prosperity, regional stability and several deeply concerning developments involving fins.”
Under Trumpius Caesar, everything eventually becomes geopolitics.
Fishing Becomes Imperial State Policy
The decree elevates recreational fishing throughout federal ocean, coastal and public-land decision-making.
Anglers, offshore boaters and charter operators are to receive greater attention when federal policies are developed.
The previous bureaucratic question was allegedly:
“How much access should we restrict?”
The new Trumpius question is:
“Why is that American still standing on the dock when there is an enormous boat available?”
The imperial formula is therefore clear:
More access.
Less paperwork.
Better data.
Longer permits.
More fish.
More boats.
And somewhere, presumably, one enormous golden fishing rod.
The Sacred Chronicle of Fish Liberation
Naturally, no new Trumpius decree would be complete without an official declaration that it forms part of the greatest sequence of achievements ever recorded by civilization.
The Imperial Palace points to previous actions involving fishing access, marine monuments, seafood production, conservation programs and deregulation.
The message is unmistakable:
The policy is already historic.
Even before anybody installs the app.
This is an essential principle of Trumpius government.
First comes the decree.
Then comes the declaration of victory.
Then comes implementation.
Then, eventually, perhaps the fish.
NOAA: The Maritime Legion Against Red Tape
NOAA also receives a starring role in the Imperial Saga.
The agency is presented not merely as a scientific institution but as something resembling an elite maritime legion marching against outdated regulations armed with data, flexibility and very serious spreadsheets.
Closures have been reconsidered.
Catch limits have been adjusted.
Fisheries have been opened faster.
Restrictions have been rewritten.
All, according to the Palace, using the best available science.
In Trumpius dialect:
Science — but with a bigger boat.
The objective is to keep fisheries productive, coastal businesses profitable and American fleets operating wherever responsible management allows.
Trumpius Caesar calls this balance.
Imperial chroniclers may eventually call it:
The Greatest Balance Ever Balanced.
And the Ocean Rejoiced
Thus begins another glorious age of American maritime civilization.
An age in which charter permits may last longer.
Catch reports may travel through smartphones.
Old oil platforms may become underwater neighborhoods.
Sharks may receive diplomatic attention.
And federal paperwork may finally be confronted as the dangerous invasive species it has always secretly been.
Trumpius Caesar can therefore gaze proudly across the Atlantic.
The bureaucracy has been attacked.
The anglers have been elevated.
The charter captains have been celebrated.
The apps have been summoned.
And somewhere beneath the waves, an entirely unsuspecting striped bass is swimming peacefully, completely unaware that it has become part of an imperial economic renaissance.
Such is life in the Empire of Trumpius.
Even the fish are being deregulated.
