A new golden age has dawned upon the Empire of Trumpius.
After golden towers, golden letters, golden promises, golden decorations, and what historians strongly suspect may eventually become golden napkins, His Imperial Orangeness has now discovered the final stage of economic greatness:
Gold for everybody.
Or, more precisely:
$5,000 for every adult American citizen.
Naturally, there is one tiny imperial condition.
The people must first vote correctly.
Enter Imperator Donaldus Trumpius Maximus Dividendus, Conqueror of Experts, Terror of Calculators, Supreme Protector of Tariffs, and Eternal Chairman of Things That Are Supposed to Pay for Themselves.
Trumpius announced that every adult citizen of the American Empire could receive a magnificent $5,000 Trump Dividend, because the imperial economy is apparently producing so much wealth that the Treasury is beginning to suffer from acute dollar congestion.
And when the imperial vaults become dangerously full, only one man can save America.
Trumpius.
First the Votes, Then the Gold
There is, however, a small democratic footnote hidden beneath the imperial trumpet fanfare.
The Republicans must first win control of both the House of Representatives and the Senate.
Only then, according to the imperial proclamation, may the great shower of dollars begin.
Ancient Rome called this kind of thing “bread and circuses.”
The Empire of Trumpius has improved the formula:
“Vote correctly and perhaps receive five thousand dollars.”
Far more efficient.
No lions required.
The imperial court even compared the United States to an enormously successful corporation distributing dividends to its shareholders.
This finally answers a constitutional question that scholars have debated for centuries:
Who is the CEO of America?
Obviously Trumpius.
Normal corporations require shareholders to own shares.
The Trumpius Corporation apparently requires only citizenship, optimism, and a correctly completed ballot.
Only Trumpius Can Give Away Money That Has Not Yet Been Distributed
According to the Imperial Palace, only Trumpius could make such an extraordinary promise because only Trumpius has created such extraordinary prosperity.
The court historians therefore presented an appropriately modest summary of his achievements.
Trillions in new private investment.
Historic tax relief.
The destruction of government waste.
The triumph of America First trade policies.
And, because ordinary economic press releases are apparently no longer dramatic enough, the imperial chronicle also celebrates foreign-policy triumphs involving Venezuela, oil, and Nicolás Maduro Maximus Petroleumus.
Thus Trumpius has apparently managed to rescue the economy, reorganize Washington, reshape global trade, terrify foreign governments, defeat bureaucracy, and still find enough loose change between the imperial sofa cushions to promise every American adult five thousand dollars.
A remarkably productive workday.
The palace summarizes the philosophy elegantly:
Others talk. Trumpius delivers.
Exactly when the delivery arrives is a secondary matter best left to accountants, economists, and other suspicious persons carrying spreadsheets.
Economists Enter the Arena
The experts, naturally, may have questions.
Questions such as:
Where exactly will the money come from?
How much would the program cost?
Would Congress approve it?
Would the revenue actually exist?
But experts hold a special ceremonial role inside the Empire of Trumpius.
They exist mainly to declare something impossible shortly before Trumpius declares himself the only man capable of doing it.
If an economist says the plan is difficult, that proves Trumpius is brilliant.
If an economist says the plan is impossible, that proves Trumpius is historically brilliant.
And if the plan eventually fails?
That proves the economist sabotaged it.
Imperial economics has therefore achieved something classical economics never could:
A system in which Caesar can never be mathematically incorrect.
Beware the Democratii Communistica
Of course, every imperial legend requires villains.
And so from the mist emerge the terrifying Democratii Communistica, mythical political creatures who, according to palace scripture, apparently wake every morning asking themselves how they might simultaneously raise taxes, open borders, destroy capitalism, confiscate hamburgers, and generally ruin Trumpius Caesar’s excellent day.
While Trumpius marches across America carrying an enormous ceremonial sack marked “$5,000,” the Democratii are presumably waiting behind the nearest tree with a tax form.
The electoral choice could therefore hardly be clearer.
Republicans win:
Five thousand dollars!
Democrats win:
Civilizational collapse, probably before breakfast.
American democracy has rarely been presented with the subtlety of a casino jackpot.
Ave Dividendus!
And so Trumpius Caesar once again raises his imperial hands above the nation and announces the arrival of prosperity.
Every adult citizen may receive a share.
Five thousand magnificent American dollars.
The money has not yet arrived.
The legislation does not yet exist.
The election must still be won.
Congress must still cooperate.
And reality continues to occupy its traditional role as an irritating administrative obstacle.
But inside the Empire of Trumpius, a promise already possesses almost the same magnificent golden shine as an actual payment.
It simply has considerably lower accounting costs.
Therefore, citizens of the Empire, prepare your wallets.
Raise your eyes toward the heavens.
Soon, perhaps, the sky itself shall rain hundred-dollar bills.
And should the money fail to descend, the Imperial Palace will undoubtedly identify whichever enemy forgot to switch on the clouds.
Ave Trumpius!
Ave Dividendus!
Ave Five-Thousandus Dollarius!
