WASHINGTONIUM, IMPERIUM AMERICANUM.
And so it came to pass in the glorious month of Augustus — a month which, according to the imperial historians of the Golden Palace, was probably waiting two thousand years to be properly appreciated by Donaldus J. Trumpius Caesar Maximus.
Then came the numbers.
162,000 new jobs.
Not 16,200.
Not 62,000.
A mighty 162,000.
And according to the imperial proclamation, this was roughly three times more than the professional prophecy guild known as economists had expected.
The economists, naturally, responded in the traditional manner:
They adjusted their forecasts after reality had already happened.
Jobs! Jobs! Jobs! Very Imperial Jobs!
The Palace announced that more than one million private-sector jobs had been created since the beginning of the Second Age of Trumpius.
At the same time, the federal workforce had fallen to its lowest share in decades.
This was immediately declared a magnificent dual victory.
Fewer bureaucrats.
More private workers.
More factories.
More hard hats.
And considerably fewer government desks upon which somebody might place a folder titled Interdepartmental Strategic Working Group on Future Meetings.
Trumpius Caesar was delighted.
His economic doctrine could be summarized in one majestic sentence:
If it has a smokestack, build it. If it has twelve committees, reconsider it.
The Sacred Return of the Factory
The real imperial trumpets, however, were reserved for manufacturing.
America reportedly added 16,000 manufacturing jobs in August, the strongest monthly gain in three years.
The Palace further proclaimed that 58,000 manufacturing jobs had been added during the year.
And thus began what the scribes called the:
Renaissancius Manufacturica Americanus.
Pharmaceutical plants!
Defense facilities!
Semiconductors!
Data centers!
Steel!
Concrete!
Machines!
Forklifts!
And somewhere in the middle of it all, one can almost imagine Trumpius Caesar in a golden hard hat examining a giant industrial complex and declaring:
“Very strong building. Beautiful building. Could be bigger.”
Constructionus Maximus
Another 22,000 jobs were added in construction.
Factory construction in particular was celebrated as a triumph worthy of a marble arch.
According to the imperial account, nearly 100,000 factory-construction jobs had been added since the beginning of the Second Trumpian Era.
America, therefore, was no longer merely a country.
It was becoming one extremely large building site with fifty states.
Cranes rose toward the heavens.
Concrete mixers turned.
Steel beams marched into the horizon.
And Trumpius Caesar presumably wondered whether a new colosseum could be added to the blueprint.
Preferably with a semiconductor plant underneath it.
The Imperial Wallet Grows
The Palace also celebrated wages.
Average weekly earnings in the private sector were said to have risen 3.7 percent over the year.
Naturally, this required immediate imperial symbolism.
Plans were probably drafted for a new coin:
PECUNIA TRUMPIANA MAGNIFICA.
Front side:
Trumpius Caesar.
Reverse side:
Trumpius Caesar pointing proudly at the front side.
The Economists Enter the Temple
Then came the procession of economic sages.
Kevinus Hassettus Economicus, chief guardian of the imperial growth scrolls, praised the strength of investment and manufacturing.
Christopher Phelanus Manufacturicus declared the production surge real.
The construction surge real.
The data real.
A remarkable amount of reality for one press release.
Heathera Longa Creditunia reportedly described the report as a “wow.”
Olu Sonolus Fitchicus called it strong.
Rickus Santellius CNBC Maximus proclaimed a manufacturing renaissance.
And Enda Curranus Bloombergicus, in what may become one of the great analytical speeches of the modern age, reportedly reacted:
“Woah.”
The marble halls fell silent.
Economic science had spoken.
The Workers Return to the Arena
Labor-force participation also rose at its strongest pace in months.
Unemployment among college graduates remained low, while unemployment among Black Americans reportedly declined for a second consecutive month.
To the Palace, the meaning was obvious.
The workers were working.
The builders were building.
The manufacturers were manufacturing.
The analysts were analyzing.
And Trumpius was Trumpiusing.
The Imperial Verdict
For ordinary governments, an employment report is a collection of statistics.
For the Empire of Trumpius, it is something far greater.
It is a gold-plated economic scripture delivered in spreadsheet form.
Donaldus Trumpius Caesar Maximus does not merely see 162,000 jobs.
He sees industrial legions.
He sees factories stretching toward the horizon.
He sees steel mills glowing beneath an American sunset.
He sees cranes waving like imperial standards.
And somewhere, carved into a giant marble plaque above a brand-new factory entrance, he sees the sacred words:
MADE IN AMERICA — APPROVED BY TRUMPIUS.
Because under the eternal economic law of the Empire:
When the numbers disappoint, the statistics are suspicious.
When the numbers impress, Trumpius personally invented prosperity.
Ave Trumpius.
The factories are smoking again.
The hard hats are shining.
And somewhere in Washingtonium, another economist is quietly revising yesterday’s forecast.
