Once again, the mighty Empire Americanum entered that solemn and ceremonial week when citizens are reminded that their Constitution begins with the immortal words “We the People” — and, curiously enough, not with “We, Donaldus Trumpius Maximus Caesar.”
An unfortunate historical oversight.
Nevertheless, Donaldus Trumpius Maximus Caesar — First Keeper of the Golden Drapes, Supreme Master of the Presidential Signature, Defender of Capital Letters and Emperor of Ceremonial Superlatives — proclaimed the glorious Constitutio Week of 2026.
Two hundred and thirty-nine years ago, the Founding Fathers gathered in Independence Hall to forge a Constitution for a new republic.
They did so without television cameras, social media, teleprompters, branded lecterns or a communications team explaining afterward that whatever everyone had just heard was actually historic.
Truly primitive times.
Thirty-nine patriots signed the document, risking their fortunes, reputations and futures for ideas such as the rule of law, federalism and the separation of powers.
Trumpius was deeply moved.
Especially by the power part.
The separation remains under administrative review.
The Greatest Scroll Ever Written
According to the imperial proclamation, the United States Constitution is essentially the greatest political document ever produced by humanity.
Possibly greater than Magna Carta.
Certainly better branded.
The sacred scroll guarantees freedom of speech, freedom of religion, equal justice under law and many other rights.
And Donaldus Trumpius emphasized that no citizen should ever be targeted by government merely because of his or her beliefs.
A noble principle.
Particularly for citizens with the correct beliefs.
Because almost immediately afterward, the imperial court identified communists, socialists, far-left radicals and various other suspicious ideological organisms as threats to the American way of life.
Freedom of opinion, after all, is absolute.
Some opinions merely require additional observation.
The Ministry of Correct History
Trumpius then announced that his reign had ended the weaponization of government and restored constitutional sanity.
The previous administration, according to the imperial chronicle, had corrupted institutions, distorted history and allowed dangerous ideological forces to infect museums, schools and other places where uncomfortable footnotes occasionally appear.
This would now be corrected.
The imperial method is beautifully simple:
Depoliticization through officially approved politics.
Museums shall once again tell the truth.
Which truth?
The properly certified one.
Monuments will be protected. Heroes will be honored. Students will learn to respect the flag, cherish the nation and admire the magnificent story of America.
Critical thinking remains entirely permitted.
Provided it arrives at the approved conclusion.
Limited Government, Unlimited Majesty
The most majestic moment came when Trumpius pledged to keep the Federal Government limited in reach, honest in conduct and accountable only to the people.
Somewhere in the audience, one reckless citizen allegedly wondered whether “limited government” might also include the President.
The individual has reportedly embarked upon an unexpectedly extensive educational tour of the National Archives.
Trumpius nevertheless vowed to preserve, protect and defend the Constitution.
A beautifully constitutional phrase.
In the imperial translation, it sounds approximately like this:
“I shall defend the instruction manual — and naturally I shall personally explain what every page means.”
From September 17 through September 23, teachers, school administrators and local leaders are therefore encouraged to educate young Americans about their rights and responsibilities under the constitutional order.
This could produce some fascinating classroom moments.
Students may begin with Article I.
Then proceed to Article II.
And perhaps, after careful study, discover the astonishing historical theory that the United States government contains more than one branch.
Scholars at the imperial court have not yet commented.
At last, Donaldus Trumpius Maximus Caesar placed his magnificent signature upon the proclamation.
The Constitution had been saved for another year.
The Republic endured.
“We the People” remained safely printed at the top.
And somewhere in the Imperial Palace, a committee quietly continued investigating whether the plural form was really necessary.
