Palatium Album, September 18, 2026 — With a signature so large it nearly required its own visa, Emperor Donaldus Trumpius Maximus has once again restored order to the mysterious realm of H-1B employment.
The program was originally designed to bring uniquely talented specialists into America. According to the imperial scribes, however, it gradually became a corporate Trojan horse: “highly skilled professional” was painted on the outside, while cheaper labor, outsourcing contracts, and a consultant carrying a forty-page presentation on “efficiency” were hiding inside.
Trumpius Caesar therefore deployed the Empire’s most powerful instrument of government: interagency coordination.
From now on, Secretary of State Marcus Rubius, Labor Consul Laurentia Chavez-DeRemerius, and Homeland Guardian Kristia Noemius must consult with Commerce Treasurer Howardus Lutnickus, Education Matron Linda McMahonia, and the imperial administrator of small businesses. So many officials will gather around the H-1B table that foreign specialists may discover there are no chairs left.
The agencies will examine wages, industrial conditions, professional specialties, and recent layoffs. Imperial suspicion will become particularly intense whenever a company dismisses American employees and immediately requests H-1B workers for suspiciously similar jobs.
An employer may still claim that no qualified American could be found, of course. But that explanation could become awkward when the supposedly nonexistent American specialists are still standing in the company parking lot with cardboard boxes, severance papers, and active security badges.
To reinforce the reform, Trumpius renewed the Empire’s celebrated $100,000 fee for certain H-1B applications. Officially, this golden toll is intended to discourage abuse. Unofficially, it ensures that an imported specialist must be capable of designing rockets, repairing quantum computers, rescuing the corporate database, and persuading the printer on the third floor to recognize legal-size paper.
The Palatium Album triumphantly announced that registrations from the largest IT outsourcing firms had fallen dramatically after the fee was introduced. Consular processing requests had nearly vanished as well. The court described this as historic proof of success.
Apparently, fewer people appearing after the entrance price rises to $100,000 now qualifies as an economic discovery worthy of marble statues.
Trumpius also raised the imperial shield over young American computer scientists. These graduates had studied algorithms, databases, and the sacred art of locating one missing bracket inside six thousand lines of code. Yet many found themselves competing against global labor models designed by executives who considered “workforce optimization” a polite synonym for replacing everyone before lunch.
Under the new order, corporations should no longer dismiss domestic specialists with one hand while submitting applications for lower-paid replacements with the other. The beloved executive sport of “lay off and outsource” has not been abolished, but a considerably angrier referee is now watching from the sidelines.
Naturally, no imperial proclamation would be complete without the Great Golden Scroll of Achievements. The Palatium cited new jobs, expanding factories, rising wages, historic tax reductions, protected manufacturing, and an industrial renaissance of almost supernatural proportions.
According to the court heralds, jobs now appear whenever Trumpius blows a trumpet toward a construction site. Machines restart, steel glows, and factory chimneys respectfully release clouds shaped like approval ratings.
The H-1B lottery has also been transformed. Instead of allowing Fortuna to select applicants at random, the system now gives greater weight to salary levels. The Empire thus embraces an ancient principle: Everyone receives an equal opportunity to approach the gate, although arriving with a larger paycheck significantly improves the view.
The administration also promised investigations into visa fraud and employment practices that unlawfully favor visa holders over Americans. Screening has been strengthened, processing for designated high-risk countries has been paused, and the border has once again been included in the imperial victory parade.
By sunset, Trumpius Caesar had supposedly protected American workers, disciplined outsourcing companies, reorganized the visa system, secured the frontier, revived manufacturing, raised wages, and frightened several consulting firms into updating their business plans.
Thus concludes another magnificent chapter in imperial workforce policy. Whether every abuse will truly disappear remains uncertain. One fact, however, is beyond dispute: Anyone hoping to pass through the new H-1B gate should bring extraordinary skills, an exceptionally patient employer, and a wallet that plays its own fanfare when opened.
