The Imperial Decree to Save the American Worker
By the tremendous authority vested in him by the Constitution, the laws of the United States, and several very flattering portraits hanging throughout the palace, Emperor Donaldus Trumpius Caesar has issued another magnificent decree.
This time, the golden imperial finger points toward the H-1B visa program.
The program was originally created to bring uniquely talented specialists from distant provinces into the Imperium Americanum. These were supposed to be exceptional scientists, brilliant engineers, and rare technical experts capable of explaining why the office printer is visible on the network but still refuses to print.
According to the Imperial Scroll of Very Concerning Findings, however, certain corporations, outsourcing houses, and third-party employment merchants transformed the program into a grand discount bazaar for labor.
Their business model was beautifully simple: dismiss an American worker, import a cheaper replacement, and then ask the dismissed employee to train that replacement before security escorts him from the building.
Trumpius Caesar was reportedly outraged.
“Terrible! Very unfair!” the Emperor thundered from behind his desk of reinforced gold. “If an American is going to be replaced, the replacement should at least have my last name.”
The palace also discovered that some companies had warned their shareholders about the terrifying consequences of H-1B restrictions. Without access to cheaper foreign labor, they explained, they might be forced to hire “local workers”—people who could demand higher wages, better conditions, and perhaps even enough money to purchase lunch without consulting a financial adviser.
The news sent shock waves through corporate boardrooms. Several executives had to be stabilized with emergency bonuses, warm stock options, and soothing presentations about future cost-cutting opportunities.
Trumpius Caesar also condemned the magical art of corporate outsourcing. Under this model, visa workers arrive in America, take over jobs previously performed by American employees, and help transfer the work overseas. It is an economic relay race in which the baton, the runners, the track, and eventually the entire stadium are shipped abroad.
One foreign minister even called H-1B an “outsourcing visa,” a phrase immediately seized by the imperial scribes, polished until it gleamed, and presented to Caesar as proof that the barbarians had finally confessed.
The palace further warned that abuse of the program could threaten national security. Fraudulent applications, questionable credentials, and degrees produced by academic mills had apparently entered the system. Some applicants possessed diplomas from institutions so efficient that a student could enroll before breakfast and become a senior quantum architect by lunch.
To restore order, Trumpius Caesar has summoned a mighty legion of departments.
The Department of State, the Department of Labor, and the Department of Homelandus Securitatis must now coordinate with the Departments of Commerce and Education, as well as the Small Business Administration. Together, they shall consult, compare, review, coordinate, reconsider, circulate memoranda, schedule meetings, postpone meetings, and—if sufficient daylight remains—possibly make a decision.
Before approving an H-1B petition, imperial officials must determine whether the sponsoring company recently dismissed American workers or intends to dismiss them in the near future.
Thus, a corporation that fires its domestic technology team on Monday and discovers an urgent need for foreign specialists on Tuesday may receive an unpleasant imperial scroll by Wednesday.
Job descriptions will also face greater scrutiny. Until now, an ordinary programmer could apparently be transformed through paperwork into a “Transcontinental Strategic Architecture Specialist for Advanced Keyboard Operations.” The position would then require a rare combination of computer knowledge, willingness to relocate, and enthusiasm for accepting substantially less money.
The Department of Laborium has been ordered to examine previously submitted applications and determine whether further action is necessary. For this historic mission, it will presumably establish a task force, which will appoint a subcommittee, which will commission a working group to determine the proper font for the final report.
Trumpius Caesar has therefore proclaimed the H-1B program saved.
A complicated visa system shall become an even more complicated visa system—but now with imperial supervision, additional seals, and several officials dramatically nodding around a marble conference table.
Naturally, the decree concludes with the traditional palace incantations. It shall be implemented according to applicable law, subject to available funding, and without creating any enforceable rights for anyone. No department loses its existing authority, no official accepts unnecessary responsibility, and if a court strikes down one provision, the remaining paragraphs shall continue marching proudly into battle.
The Department of Homelandus Securitatis must pay the publication costs.
Because even in the greatest empire ever assembled, somebody eventually receives the bill for the parchment.
