WASHINGTONIUM — Donaldus Trumpius Maximus Caesar, Supreme Guardian of the American Paycheck, Conqueror of Foreign Résumés, and Grand Master of the Gilded Border Gate, has spoken once more. And whenever Caesar speaks, even immigration forms begin trembling with patriotic admiration.
By imperial proclamation, Trumpius has extended restrictions on certain H-1B work visas for another year. Highly skilled workers from distant provinces may therefore enter the Empire only when their prospective employer presents a tribute of $100,000. Talent alone is no longer enough. Talent must now arrive escorted by a very persuasive bank account.
The H-1B program was originally created to bring specialized foreign workers into the United States whenever American companies needed rare skills. According to the Palace, however, the program gradually became an international bazaar of discounted labor. IT staffing companies and the Outsourcing Legions allegedly used it to replace American workers with employees willing to work for less.
Trumpius immediately identified the problem: Foreign specialists were simply too affordable. His majestic solution was to make their arrival extraordinarily expensive. This is economic policy in the finest imperial tradition—when the market refuses to obey, place a golden tollbooth in front of it and declare the fee a historic victory.
Caesar introduced the entry tribute in the previous year. Since then, registrations from major IT outsourcing companies have collapsed, while requests for consular processing have nearly vanished. The Imperial Court considers this overwhelming evidence of success. Cynics might suggest that fewer applications merely mean fewer employers are willing to pay the price. Such dangerous mathematics, however, clearly originates in the disloyal Province of Unpatriotic Accounting.
At the same time, the Palace reports that the selection process now favors better-paid and more highly qualified applicants. Anyone possessing an advanced degree, exceptional skills, and an employer with a treasure chamber of suitable depth may still approach the drawbridge of Americum. Everyone else may soon receive a beautifully embossed rejection on premium parchment.
The decree will be enforced by the Empire’s most distinguished institutions: the Department of Homeland Securitium, the Ministry of Laborious Wage Purity, the State Department of Tribute Verification, and the Temple of Justicium. Together, they shall ensure that no computer engineer, scientist, or other suspiciously educated traveler crosses the border without the required ceremonial transfer of funds.
Exceptions remain possible whenever the Imperial Prefect of Homeland Security decides that a particular worker, company, or industry serves the national interest. In other words, the wall contains a door—and the Palace conveniently keeps the key.
Trumpius justified the extension by invoking graduate unemployment, wage suppression, fraud, labor-market abuse, and threats to national security. These assorted ingredients were poured into the imperial policy cauldron, stirred vigorously, and served as a hearty bowl of Border Protection Stew.
After the next H-1B lottery, the imperial ministers must decide whether the restriction deserves yet another extension. The outcome should be about as surprising as the answer to the question of who has the largest signature in Washingtonium.
And so the proclamation concludes in customary golden splendor: Donaldus Trumpius Maximus has rescued the American worker, gilded the bureaucracy, and transformed a specialist visa into an exclusive premium membership. America remains open to the finest minds in the world—provided those minds arrive accompanied by a very wealthy wallet.
