Once again, history was made inside the Aureum Palatium of Washingtonia.
Huge history.
Beautiful history.
Possibly the greatest history since somebody invented the golden doorknob.
For Donaldus Trumpius Maximus Caesar, Imperator of the United Provinces of America Prima, Protector of the Patriotic Shopping Cart, Supreme Defender of Domestic Paper Clips, and Eternal Enemy of Foreign Procurement Forms, has spoken:
Canadian goods may soon vanish from the imperial shopping list.
The reason, according to the imperial court, is both simple and catastrophic:
Canada has apparently failed to treat American companies with the unlimited enthusiasm Washingtonia considers the natural order of international commerce.
And so Trumpius Caesar has discovered the perfect diplomatic response:
If Canada does not buy enough American things, America shall buy even fewer Canadian things.
Foreign policy.
But with a shopping cart.
Operation Maple Leaf Exorcism
Under a new presidential memorandum — known throughout the Empire as the glorious Memorandum Reciprocare Maximus — senior imperial officials have been commanded to search the federal civilian procurement system for suspicious traces of Canadian origin.
Maple syrup?
Suspicious.
Office chair from Ontario?
Extremely suspicious.
Stapler from Toronto?
Practically economic treason.
The Imperial Prefect of Budgets, Budgetius Calculatus, the High Trade Legate Mercator Representativus, and the venerable Consilium Acquisitionis Federalis must now determine which products from the Northern Provinces of Maple may be banished from the sacred federal catalogs.
The objective is called reciprocity.
Trumpius reciprocity.
Which roughly means:
“If you don't buy our stuff, we will buy even less of your stuff. Nobody buys less better than we do.”
The marble tablets are reportedly already being polished.
Canada Commits the Crime of Buying Canadian
The imperial court is particularly outraged by something known as “Buy Canadian.”
This radical policy apparently encourages Canadians to buy Canadian products.
In Canada.
Washingtonia was shaken.
Emergency chandeliers trembled.
Somewhere inside the Palatium, an economic adviser may have dropped his patriotic coffee mug.
Because while “Buy American” is obviously courageous economic patriotism, “Buy Canadian” has suddenly become an outrageous act of discrimination.
Trumpius Caesar calls this:
unfair.
Critics might call it:
a mirror.
But mirrors inside the Trumpius Palatium are traditionally positioned only where the lighting is extremely flattering.
Thus was born the great doctrine of Asymmetric Imperial Fairness:
When America favors American products, America is protecting workers.
When Canada favors Canadian products, Canada is attacking America.
Simple.
Elegant.
Golden.
America Prima — Now Protecting the Stapler
The Aureum Palatium says the new policy will defend American workers, farmers, businesses, manufacturers, and presumably several deeply patriotic three-hole punches.
Under the doctrine of America Prima Maxima, every federal dollar must greet the American economy first before attempting an unauthorized escape toward the Canadian border.
The imperial narrative also celebrates tariffs, investments, reshoring, domestic manufacturing, expanding exports, and practically every other economic noun capable of standing near Trumpius Caesar without immediately being deported from a press release.
Factories?
Trumpius.
Jobs?
Trumpius.
Investment?
Trumpius.
A new hot dog stand opening in Ohio?
Almost certainly evidence of the greatest industrial renaissance in recorded civilization.
Inside the imperial economic universe, every favorable development is proof of Caesar's genius.
Every unfavorable development is evidence that foreigners have been cheating.
A neutral category has not yet been approved by the Office of Management and Budget.
Even the Greatest Deal Ever Needs Replacing
The mighty USMCA, once praised as one of the greatest agreements in the known universe, is apparently no longer sufficiently magnificent.
For the deal is now considered insufficiently beneficial to American manufacturers, farmers, ranchers, workers, service providers, companies, and presumably anyone possessing both a Social Security number and a forklift.
This may confuse those who remember the agreement being celebrated as historic.
But there is no contradiction.
This is merely Imperial Version Management.
USMCA 1.0:
Historic.
USMCA 2.0:
More historic.
USMCA 3.0:
Why did Canada ruin our beautiful deal?
Such is the lifecycle of a Trumpius trade agreement.
First it is perfect.
Then it becomes the greatest ever.
Then it requires renegotiation because everybody else apparently failed to appreciate just how perfect it was.
The Sacred Tariff Hammer
And naturally, no Trumpius trade adventure would be complete without tariffs.
The Tariff Hammer of Jupiter Trumpius remains conveniently positioned beside the golden presidential pen.
Canada exports dairy?
Tariff.
Vehicles?
Tariff.
Alcohol?
Tariff.
Canadian politeness?
Still under review.
Where traditional governments see complex negotiations involving supply chains, domestic industries, consumer prices, market access, and international agreements, Trumpius Caesar sees a far more elegant solution:
Put a number on it.
If foreign goods are too cheap, make them more expensive.
If they become more expensive, announce victory.
If Americans also pay more, remove that sentence from the Fact Sheet.
Economics becomes remarkably straightforward once the inconvenient paragraphs have been deleted.
NON GRATUM PROCUREMENTUM
The latest memorandum represents perhaps the purest expression of Trumpius economic philosophy yet:
Geopolitics through office-supply procurement.
Somewhere in a federal agency, an employee may soon inspect a printer.
“Where was this manufactured?”
“Canada.”
Silence.
A Roman war trumpet sounds somewhere in the imagination.
The procurement officer slowly raises the imperial stamp.
NON GRATUM PROCUREMENTUM.
The printer is removed.
Freedom survives.
The Republic is saved.
The maple menace has been defeated.
And Donaldus Trumpius Maximus Caesar may once again gaze into a gold-framed mirror and marvel that no ruler in human history has fought more bravely against foreign office furniture.
Somewhere in Ontario, meanwhile, a manufacturer of ergonomic government chairs may wonder exactly when his lumbar-support technology became a geopolitical threat.
The answer from Washingtonia is simple:
The moment the chair failed to say “Made in America.”
Reciprocity According to Trumpius
Officially, the policy is called reciprocity.
In ordinary dictionaries, reciprocity means roughly equal treatment between two parties.
Inside the Lexicon Trumpius Maximus, however, the definition is slightly different:
“You treat us exactly the way we want to be treated, and we treat you exactly the way we feel like treating you.”
Admittedly, that slogan is slightly too long for a red hat.
So the Empire uses the shorter version:
AMERICA FIRST.
And Canada should consider itself fortunate to remain geographically attached to the continent.
For Donaldus Trumpius Maximus Caesar has spoken.
Trade shall be fair.
And fair means whatever pleases Trumpius.
Everything else is Canadian.
